T is for Truth

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Aint’t that the truth?

How many of us have binged on our favorite food and immediately after thought, Next time I’ll do better. Or, Why did I eat that? Or, That’s it, I’m DONE eating badly! The diet starts NOW! And then it never really starts, right?

What TRUTH are you avoiding? And how is it sabotaging your weight loss efforts?

I have a new therapist. I’ve written about depression and anxiety many times before. I had a therapist that I loved. She was awesome. She went out on maternity leave in August and I saw another therapist who specializes in anxiety a few times and while she gave me some things to work on that sort of helped, I didn’t feel like I clicked with her. Back in December when things were really overwhelming and the shit was hitting the fan in all aspects of my life (i.e. feeling like everything was going wrong) I decided that I’d see another therapist. I went in very apathetic after not really clicking with a few of the ones available to me over the years, and feeling rather grumpy about the one I loved quitting. But I think I hit the jackpot with my new counselor.

First off, she’s awesome and I really feel like I can talk to her. She’s also that perfect blend of the type of therapist that listens to me vent, but pushes me to psychoanalyze the why and how to change. Second–and the best part–is that she also lost over 100 pounds and has kept it off. I don’t know details other than that but having a counselor that knows exactly what it feels like to lose a ton of weight was like angels singing “allelujah” with a choir. It may seem odd, but I’ve never really been able to find someone to talk to who KNOWS. There aren’t any books out there on what the psychological changes will be when you lose a lot of weight. Biggest Loser, etc, type shows and weight loss memoirs don’t cover HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL after losing half of yourself. Not only that, there aren’t a lot of maintenance blogs out there. I can name a handful that I read religiously and thankfully they talk about the good and the bad of maintaining weight loss but that’s about it.

I’ve been in maintenance mode for almost 6 years now. In fact, 1 month before my wedding this year will be my 6  year anniversary of reaching goal weight. While I am happy that I’m still UNDER my goal weight (150), I am definitely higher than I want to be. I’ve gained a few pounds. I can blame winter, the holidays, stress, but really the reason for the weight gain has been LIES.

I’ve lied to myself about what I am eating and why. I’ve snuck food in the last few months. Like stuffing things in my mouth, barely tasting them, and then not recording them in my calorie log for the day. As if those calories didn’t count. They certainly counted and the stomach roll I’m now unhappily sporting is showing the truth. So is the scale.

I told my new therapist that I feel like I’m barely holding on lately. I’m sabotaging myself and I don’t know why.

When I first decided to lose weight, there were a lot of factors that finally convinced me. What really helped was having a deadline. I had 10 months to lose weight before I was going to be in my brother’s wedding and I wanted to walk down that aisle 50 pounds less. And I succeeded. Reaching that goal was far more important to me than bingeing on ice cream was.

So why am I struggling SO MUCH now that it’s my turn?


I have roughly 6 1/2 months before my wedding. If I wanted to be exact, it’s 30 weeks, 3 days and 22 hours (I only know that because of the countdown plugin on our wedding website LOL). I have 6 months to lose the 7 pounds I want to lose and yet I am struggling to find the motivation. Why? Why is this so hard for me?


My therapist asked me why I was lying to myself. I said that I didn’t want to face the truth and I’d rather pretend the calories I ate didn’t exist. Why? I don’t know why but somewhere deep inside me I need to find the truth and come clean to myself before I completely fall off the wagon.

She also said that psychologists are saying that planned indulging is healthy, but that with my binge eating history, I could never safely indulge/plan a “binge” (so to speak) with food. I agreed. The closest I get to that is my policy of eating whatever I want in moderation instead of naming certain foods as off limits. This has worked for a long time, and it DOES work, when you do it honestly and accurately. So instead of safely indulging on food, I binge on other things. I get lost in books and binge read them. I do it with TV too. I binge watch tv on weekends as a method of escapism. Still bingeing. Just in different ways.


Supposedly the truth will set you free. 

I need to be TRUTHFUL about the calories I am REALLY eating.

I need to be TRUTHFUL to myself WHY I am eating the things I am eating. Should I be feeling my emotions instead of stuffing them down inside myself?

The truth is I need to stop eating candy mindlessly at work.

The truth is I need to stop eating dessert every single night at home.

The truth is I need to manage my portions better.

The truth is I need to stop drinking alcohol for awhile. The liquid calories aren’t doing me any favors.

The truth is…I need to learn to love my body as it is, without criticism, without hate. Without the negative voice pointing out all my flaws, flab and stretchmarks. And I don’t know how to yet.


A-Abstinence * B-Balance * C-Calories * D-Vitamin D * E-Emergency * F-Fast Food and Fine Dining * G-Gym Bag * H-Happy Weight * I-Intervals * J-Jumping * K-Keeping Sane * L-Losing Weight * M-Measuring Mistakes *N-Nemesis * O-Open * P-Plateaus Q -Quitting * R-Runner’s Knee * S-Support *

Emotional Detox

Recently I listened to this guided meditation and found myself relaxing just listening to it. I enjoy guided meditations a lot. While I’m not religious, I do follow a path that I believe in and meditation is a big part of that. It’s been way too long since I participated in my faith. I realized it was lacking in my life by the amount of stress I was experiencing.

While I am pretty open and honest on this blog, there are a lot of things I don’t address. I have to be vague once again, and I apologize, but I’ve been feeling an intense level of dissatisfaction with my current profession. I’ve thought about going back to school for a long time, completely changing my focus and direction, but I haven’t figured out what to change to….thus, no school yet.

I firmly believe that emotional health is just as important, if not more important than, physical health. How many of us have struggled with depression or anxiety and not FELT motivated to workout? {Raises Hand} Been there. I was there for a long time. I was depressed that I’d “always” be fat and nothing would ever change. It was a vicious cycle.

Depressed over weight –> eat to feel better –> beat self up for bingeing –> feel depressed. 

What I found was that exercising and eating healthy DID help and DID change things. I suddenly had more energy, more optimism, more happy feelings. Endorphins are an amazing thing. But what happens when those exercise endorphins don’t work as well anymore?

Spring Cleaning for the Soul

Spring is coming soon (thankfully) and with spring comes the “Cleaning” that I routinely want to do. I want to clean my house and get rid of STUFF. I want to clean my life and discard what doesn’t work anymore. I have clothes in my closet that don’t even fit me anymore, socks with holes in them, and people in my life who feed into the negative toxicity that I’ve been feeling lately.

Unresolved issues don’t go away and FOOD is not the answer. All too often I used food as a band-aid for hurt feelings or anger that I didn’t want to address when I did have the power to change my situation. That needs to change. It may be something I always struggle with, but I am conscious and aware of it and actively trying to change the patterns.

How Am I Doing It?

Keeping trigger foods out of the house so I don’t turn to comfort eating/bingeing in times of stress.

Look for things outside of what is causing me stress/unhappiness to make me happy. Sure I can’t necessarily change a current situation but I can look somewhere else for something that will make me happy.

Live in the moment. This one is really difficult for me because I’m a planner and I tend to think about the future instead of living in the moment.

Focus on fixing what I CAN fix. I am in control of what I eat, how much I exercise and how I spend my down time. If my environment is feeling overwhelming and cluttered, I can clean it. If my mind is feeling  cluttered with “nonsense” I can try unplugging; no TV, no computer, internet break. I’m already plotting a mini weekend where I disappear without some of those things for a mental break!

What about you? What are your thoughts on this?