grief

Lately

Well, I’ve gotten the first daycare cold of the season! Logan gave me his head cold last week. So far it’s pretty mild but lingering and now turning into a cough. 🙁 I took it easy over the weekend and tried to get some extra rest. Michael picked up pho for dinner, which is magical when you’re sick!

My gym membership expired recently and I re-joined. There is a new gym in my neighborhood that is REALLY nice. The pool is gorgeous and overlooks the river. Everything is brand new.

I tried half of a spin class in the new gym (I was late). It’s been about three years, at least, since I’ve been to a spin class!

It was fun and hard work! I was drenched in sweat by the finish. I used to go to spin class once a week religiously in the winter time, mostly to stay in cycling shape for summer biking. But since having Logan, I am spending less time in classes at the gym simply because I just can never count on making the schedule.

My workouts have been fairly consistent. I’m still working out 5 days a week, but during the week with my new work schedule, I am working out at lunch time in my office gym. It’s not quite the same and it’s a fast, rushed workout, but it’s better than not doing anything. On my lunch time workouts I usually use the elliptical and do some quick free weights, or I run on the treadmill.

It’s not ideal. But I just don’t have time to go to the gym after work anymore–especially if I want to see Logan after work. Once he starts going to bed at a later hour, I think it will be easier to fit in a gym session once or twice a week. But for now, this is what I’m doing to make it work.

I still have 13 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-baby weight. Sigh.

In other news…it’s been over a month since Yggdrasil passed away. It’s been a hard time for me. It’s getting better, but I’m still sad and I still miss him. I don’t think about him 24/7 anymore, which in a way is kind of sad in itself, but when I do think about him I get teary-eyed and miss my cuddle buddy. It’s so hard having someone who was with you for 15 years suddenly not be there.

Maya is having a hard time, too. She cries a lot. I know she’s lonely and misses Yggdrasil. It makes me wonder if I should think about getting another cat so she’s not lonely. 🙁 I don’t know that I’m ready. But one thing that has been kinda nice, Maya is now coming out more and wants me to pet her. This is something that hasn’t happened since she was a kitten!

Lately she’s even started jumping up on the bed to get pets! She’s still super skittish and it doesn’t last long, but it’s progress. 🙂

It feels like summer is officially over here in Portland. The mornings are dark and cold. We still have some nice weather in the foreseeable future, but I’m kinda looking forward to fall!

I think it’s going to be a fun autumn with Logan. He’s older now and going to the pumpkin patch will be really fun this year! It’s so cool seeing everything through his eyes. 🙂 I got his Halloween costume and I’m super excited to see him walking up and down our street trick or treating!!! It’s going to be too adorable!

This is the costume I WANTED to get, but…not for almost $50! LOL

Haha! Michael made a good point in that Logan wouldn’t have kept the ears/beard/hat on anyways, so…probably for the best.

Alright, time to wrap up this wrap up. Happy Fall!

P.S. It’s already snowing up on Mount Hood! 😀

 

 

Checking In

It’s been a few weeks since Yggdrasil passed away.

The next day, Michael suggested we go for an easy family hike to get me out of the house. It was a good idea. That week following his death was hard for me. I cried a lot. For the first days I kept expecting to see him in the house–sunbathing by the window, sleeping on Bella’s dog bed, burrowed underneath the covers on the bed (his favorite spot)–and when he wasn’t there, I was reminded.

Every day got a little bit easier, I guess. I got distracted with other stuff and was able to get a few hours a day of relief from grieving. But nevertheless, it would come back. I know time will heal the sadness, but it’s been hard.

Yggdrasil was such a big part of my life for so many years. I was definitely in denial that anything would ever happen to him. And when it got towards the end, I was still in denial. I kept thinking…maybe he would get a little better and we’d have more time. I know now, after the fact, that it was clearly time. But it’s been a hard realization.

I miss him a lot. Being busy has helped. It’s the downtime that makes me sad.

About a week after his death, we got the call that his ashes were ready to be picked up. I immediately burst into tears because the realization that he was truly gone hit me.

I cried a little bit when Michael brought the ashes home, but at the same time I felt a little bit better having him “home.” I really loved how great Compassionate Care Portland was. They were so amazing during the goodbye and I paid extra to get Yggdrasil’s paw prints and to get a clay paw print made. I absolutely loved how they turned out and they are so special to me. I plan on making a little photo box memorial with the paw prints and some photos.

That first week that Yggdrasil was gone was hard on Maya, too. For 14 years she’s been by his side. They loved each other so much. She cried a lot that first week. I feel like she was telling me she missed him, that she was lonely, and it broke my heart. For a few nights, my scaredy-cat Maya came out at bedtime and wanted me to give her pets.

She hasn’t done that for like 10 years. Yggdrasil was my shadow. Maya never really seemed to like me. She likes Michael and lets him pet her but she’s just not a cuddly, lap cat like Yggdrasil was. It was nice that she came to me wanting me to pet her. For three nights in a row, she let me pet her for over 30 minutes! Shocking!

I was hoping Maya would continue to want pets from me, but she’s back to being standoffish. 🙁

How have I been doing? I guess ok. It’s sunk in that Yggdrasil is gone and I’m sad and I miss him, but I’m trying to grieve and process the loss. I haven’t been taking the best care of myself. I’m working out, I’m counting my calories but I don’t have the best appetite and when I do, I’m not making the best choices. I’m just trying to do what I can right now.