Diet is a Life Thief

Everything in Moderation.

It works, until it’s not in moderation. It’s helpful to learn calories and portion sizes and healthier alternatives. Until it’s not in moderation and you cut out entire food groups and restrict to the point of your hair falling out and your fingernails breaking and your period stopping… It’s good to move your body. Until it’s not in moderation and you are injured all the time.

I remember early on in my weight loss journey I wasn’t going out to eat at all because I couldn’t track my calories with restaurant food. But I did go this one time with a group. I think we went somewhere like Applebee’s. I was so excited that their menu had calories listed! They even had a section for “heart healthy” dishes. So I ordered the salmon and steamed broccoli. Now I do like both of those things (and eat it often) but I ordered it because the menu said it was 500 calories and that’s all I was “allowed” for dinner. I was envious that everyone else was getting big bowls of pasta or burgers with fries, etc. But I stuck to it because if there’s something I am good at it: it’s FOOD RULES and WILLPOWER (i.e. restriction).

Food Rules are all consuming. It takes up a LOT of brain space. When I stopped counting my calories and logging everything it was a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt happier. Now, my therapist is encouraging me to stop tracking my fitness.

See, I’ve always logged my workouts. I would schedule them on my calendar like an appointment and I rarely deviated from that rigid schedule. I kept a journal where I logged every workout, what I did, if I lifted weights how many reps and sets.

I’ve been afraid of letting go of tracking for tracking sake…even though, there really isn’t a point? I mean, I’m not logging my calories I eat, so why does it matter if I know my weight session this morning burned 200 calories?

My therapist asked me if I could stop wearing my heart rate monitor watch. It was such a hard question. She asked me, “What is the purpose of the watch? Is it really shackles?”

Oh. Yeah.

I’ve gone through such long phases of under-nourishing and over-training that my body is broken. Now I am trying to learn how to move my body in ways that don’t hurt it, that don’t injure it. Do I need the watch? Do I need to know that I burned 300 calories on my long walk and 110 calories on my short walk?

Or is it one more thing that is taking up brain space that is not serving me well.