Jun 302014
 

wedding

Last week I was having a hard time. I was hormonal, I was grumpy, I’d had a bad headache for several days, our dishwasher broke, our pantry was attacked by sugar ants, I’d been taking care of most things around the house because of Michael’s back, and just in the mix of all of that my knee had a flare up…something I hadn’t experienced in a long time and it was lingering. Whenever my knee acts up like that I get very depressed. Suddenly the idea of walking across the room seems like it’s miles long instead of a few feet.

During this time I was also doing a little stress eating. When I’m super stressed out I default to food. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could turn off that default and not use food as the salve. A lot of the time I can use exercise instead–but when you’re injured and that’s not an option it’s easy to feel lost. What sucks is that it is NEVER RUNNING that gives me Runner’s Knee. It always seems to be something else. Why? Why!

The animals are pretty good at sensing when I’m upset or need some cuddles. Fat Kitty is always spot on. I was crying about my knee and he jumped on the bed and started sniffing my tears. Dork. But it made me laugh and that cheered me up a little. Bella did too:

ygg3

 

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I was at work one day and had been partaking in treats from the Candy Room. I’d made three stops there in one day. Not good but at least one of those stops was just for chewing gum. The last stop was right before a meeting and I got about 1/2 a serving (maybe even less) of cashews to munch on. I kind of grumbled about visiting the candy stash too much that day and one of my coworkers said, “Are you going to be able to fit in your wedding dress?”

My first reaction was to think, THANK YOU. Thank you for slapping me in the face with that reality. The wedding is coming up, I’m anxious about a lot of stuff, my knee is CRANKY right now and I’m starting to stress out about my weight. Maybe this is the reality check that will scare me enough into being better with my food?

My next reaction was to feel deflated and sad. Like, yeah right that dress won’t fit now…And go through the typical cycle of negative self-talk — the “I’m so fat” and “Why can’t I lose weight” and “Why can’t I make better choices?” In that moment of self-pity and self-loathing I wrote about the interaction on Twitter. A very sweet blogger buddy of mine responded with this:

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Like my coworker’s insensitive joke, it was also a reality check. DUH. This wedding isn’t about the dress or the flowers or whether or not we serve fancy wedding cake (that doesn’t taste very good anyways). The wedding is about Michael and I celebrating our relationship and future together. It’s about JUST BEING ME because that’s who Michael proposed to. So why am I putting so much pressure on myself?

Karla also sent me a link to this article: Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating. It was a good article discussing a lot of topics around food, body image, weight loss and women’s self-esteem. I could relate to a lot of what was said. Here are two snippets:

“We all had to take health class but we didn’t learn A THING because all of us thought that skipping breakfast and eating Skittles for lunch was the way to stay thin, which A) didn’t work and B) made us dumb, because we were 14 years old and didn’t have any actual fuel to think. If I were teaching health class today, I’d do a special part where I’d say, “As teens, you shouldn’t feel like you have to diet, but let me be very clear: Not eating doesn’t make you skinny.” On repeat.”

“I think it also highlights just how quickly our body standards/ideals change — 15, 20 years ago, it was ALL ABOUT the heroin-chic super-skinny Kate Moss look. Now it’s all Pilates arms: You should look toned, but not TOO ripped, because then you’re scary Madonna. Such an impossible line to tread.”

I don’t know that the article made me feel any better but it was interesting. Anyways, this post doesn’t really have any wrap up or solution or easy answer. Still kinda feeling crappy about it! I keep repeating to myself that the wedding isn’t about how much I weigh and my knee will get better. Maybe one day soon I will believe it…

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Feb 192014
 

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Aint’t that the truth?

How many of us have binged on our favorite food and immediately after thought, Next time I’ll do better. Or, Why did I eat that? Or, That’s it, I’m DONE eating badly! The diet starts NOW! And then it never really starts, right?

What TRUTH are you avoiding? And how is it sabotaging your weight loss efforts?

I have a new therapist. I’ve written about depression and anxiety many times before. I had a therapist that I loved. She was awesome. She went out on maternity leave in August and I saw another therapist who specializes in anxiety a few times and while she gave me some things to work on that sort of helped, I didn’t feel like I clicked with her. Back in December when things were really overwhelming and the shit was hitting the fan in all aspects of my life (i.e. feeling like everything was going wrong) I decided that I’d see another therapist. I went in very apathetic after not really clicking with a few of the ones available to me over the years, and feeling rather grumpy about the one I loved quitting. But I think I hit the jackpot with my new counselor.

First off, she’s awesome and I really feel like I can talk to her. She’s also that perfect blend of the type of therapist that listens to me vent, but pushes me to psychoanalyze the why and how to change. Second–and the best part–is that she also lost over 100 pounds and has kept it off. I don’t know details other than that but having a counselor that knows exactly what it feels like to lose a ton of weight was like angels singing “allelujah” with a choir. It may seem odd, but I’ve never really been able to find someone to talk to who KNOWS. There aren’t any books out there on what the psychological changes will be when you lose a lot of weight. Biggest Loser, etc, type shows and weight loss memoirs don’t cover HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL after losing half of yourself. Not only that, there aren’t a lot of maintenance blogs out there. I can name a handful that I read religiously and thankfully they talk about the good and the bad of maintaining weight loss but that’s about it.

I’ve been in maintenance mode for almost 6 years now. In fact, 1 month before my wedding this year will be my 6  year anniversary of reaching goal weight. While I am happy that I’m still UNDER my goal weight (150), I am definitely higher than I want to be. I’ve gained a few pounds. I can blame winter, the holidays, stress, but really the reason for the weight gain has been LIES.

I’ve lied to myself about what I am eating and why. I’ve snuck food in the last few months. Like stuffing things in my mouth, barely tasting them, and then not recording them in my calorie log for the day. As if those calories didn’t count. They certainly counted and the stomach roll I’m now unhappily sporting is showing the truth. So is the scale.

I told my new therapist that I feel like I’m barely holding on lately. I’m sabotaging myself and I don’t know why.

When I first decided to lose weight, there were a lot of factors that finally convinced me. What really helped was having a deadline. I had 10 months to lose weight before I was going to be in my brother’s wedding and I wanted to walk down that aisle 50 pounds less. And I succeeded. Reaching that goal was far more important to me than bingeing on ice cream was.

So why am I struggling SO MUCH now that it’s my turn?

WED1

I have roughly 6 1/2 months before my wedding. If I wanted to be exact, it’s 30 weeks, 3 days and 22 hours (I only know that because of the countdown plugin on our wedding website LOL). I have 6 months to lose the 7 pounds I want to lose and yet I am struggling to find the motivation. Why? Why is this so hard for me?

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My therapist asked me why I was lying to myself. I said that I didn’t want to face the truth and I’d rather pretend the calories I ate didn’t exist. Why? I don’t know why but somewhere deep inside me I need to find the truth and come clean to myself before I completely fall off the wagon.

She also said that psychologists are saying that planned indulging is healthy, but that with my binge eating history, I could never safely indulge/plan a “binge” (so to speak) with food. I agreed. The closest I get to that is my policy of eating whatever I want in moderation instead of naming certain foods as off limits. This has worked for a long time, and it DOES work, when you do it honestly and accurately. So instead of safely indulging on food, I binge on other things. I get lost in books and binge read them. I do it with TV too. I binge watch tv on weekends as a method of escapism. Still bingeing. Just in different ways.

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Supposedly the truth will set you free. 

I need to be TRUTHFUL about the calories I am REALLY eating.

I need to be TRUTHFUL to myself WHY I am eating the things I am eating. Should I be feeling my emotions instead of stuffing them down inside myself?

The truth is I need to stop eating candy mindlessly at work.

The truth is I need to stop eating dessert every single night at home.

The truth is I need to manage my portions better.

The truth is I need to stop drinking alcohol for awhile. The liquid calories aren’t doing me any favors.

The truth is…I need to learn to love my body as it is, without criticism, without hate. Without the negative voice pointing out all my flaws, flab and stretchmarks. And I don’t know how to yet.

 

A-Abstinence * B-Balance * C-Calories * D-Vitamin D * E-Emergency * F-Fast Food and Fine Dining * G-Gym Bag * H-Happy Weight * I-Intervals * J-Jumping * K-Keeping Sane * L-Losing Weight * M-Measuring Mistakes *N-Nemesis * O-Open * P-Plateaus Q -Quitting * R-Runner’s Knee * S-Support *

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