Feb 232016
 

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. I’ve taken medications on and off, I’ve been in therapy. After years of therapy and reflection I believe that my issue is mainly anxiety, not depression. While they can go hand-in-hand, anxiety seems to be my biggest problem. I’ve had a lot of therapists over the years, and different types. I’ve gone years without therapy or medication. I know that exercise helps a LOT with the issues I have.

The most recent time I was seeing a counselor, I really liked her a lot. She’d also lost a lot of weight (like 80 pounds I think?) and for the first time I was able to work through some body issue stuff that most people, and most counselors, can’t relate to. She understood. She was great! Then she went out on maternity leave and I had the option to see someone else but decided not to. Of course, she decided not to come back so I couldn’t see her anymore anyways if she came back. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen a therapist and decided it was time to go back.

The search for someone new began.

This part sucks. Big time. Like I said, I’ve had dozens over the years. I moved, insurance changes, therapists leave, etc etc. So I am well-versed in the “find a new therapist, give them the cliffsnotes version and see if we’re a good match” routine. It still sucks. I hate starting over.

This time, I was on a mission. My focus was not going to be body issues or other issues I’ve discussed in therapy in the past. This time I had something very specific to discuss: post-partum depression (PPD).

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Knowing my history with anxiety and depression, being off medications for a year and a half, not knowing what it would be like after the baby arrives, I knew it was good to find someone to talk to NOW and make sure I’m on the right track. I felt like it was better to be prepared. Know the warning signs. Learn some coping skills NOW. Try and avoid what may (or may not) happen.

I know very little about PPD. And I find that in my reading, not a lot of people talk about it. I don’t know why. It seems like it’s a common occurrence.

“Postpartum depression is depression that occurs after having a baby.

The symptoms of postpartum depression are similar to symptoms for depression, but they also include:

  • Trouble sleeping when your baby sleeps (more than the lack of sleep new moms usually get).
  • Feeling numb or disconnected from your baby.
  • Having scary or negative thoughts about the baby, like thinking someone will take your baby away or hurt your baby.
  • Worrying that you will hurt the baby.
  • Feeling guilty about not being a good mom, or ashamed that you cannot care for your baby.

According to a CDC survey, 8 to 19% of women reported having frequent postpartum depressive symptoms. (CDC)”

I’ve seen stats that are kind of all over the place but the general number seems to be between 11-20% of women suffer from PPD. Reading more into it, I feel like what *I* personally need to be more aware of is Post-Partum Anxiety. Considering that anxiety has been my biggest issue (far over depression), it stands to reason that this could become an issue.

Something that I’ve found disappointing with the blog world is the lack of disclosure and the sugar-coating of things. Blogs I loved to read…I ended up feeling disappointed because they’d have a baby and everything would be portrayed as rainbows and sunshine and everything was PERFECT. Then, sometimes (but not always), they’d share months later that things weren’t the perfect portrayal they presented. They struggled. Baby was tongue-tied and couldn’t breastfeed, everyone was suffering stress and exhaustion, mom suffered from PPD, etc etc.

I just wish there was more of a community, more transparency, more honesty. I feel like women are expected to be perfect, not complain about anything…when the reality might be very different and wouldn’t it be NICE to be surrounded by people that understand? And have been through it? Can relate? Can assist? Why isn’t there more of a community??

Anyways…I saw a new therapist and discussed my concerns with her. I really like the new person I’m seeing. She’s a behaviorist and with just a few sessions I already felt like I understood how to “fix” anxiety better with HER than any other therapists I’ve seen.

My post-partum plan:

Of course this is just a plan, it may or may not happen. But it’s my goal, at the very least.

  1. Take a shower and get dressed every day.
  2. When cleared by my doctor, get back to exercising when I can. I know myself and I know that physical activity helps with my anxiety. Even if it’s just taking the little boy and Bella outside for a walk every single day, I need to do something.
  3. Continue going to therapy and learn coping skills for my anxiety.
  4. Self-care!
  5. Get out of the house, see friends and family, do outings! I know myself and being cooped up in the house will make me a little crazy. 🙂 I get stir-crazy after being home sick with a cold for a few days!
  6. Learn to ask for help, and accept help when it’s offered.

 

I talked to a friend recently who suffers from debilitating anxiety. I understand that my anxiety is not a panic disorder (like hers is) and that I do already have SOME coping skills that help me with my anxiety. I’m doing okay–is my anxiety conquered? Not by a long shot. But I am managing it. Anyways, my friend is in cognitive behavioral therapy and she had a fabulous suggestion that she’s being doing for her anxiety. When the panic and anxiety starts to take hold, she closes her eyes and tries to name 5 sounds she hears in that moment. She said it’s really helpful to get her to focus on something else, calm down, take the rising panic out of the anxiety and try and re-focus her energy and mental thread. I’ve tried it and it works!

I really struggle with vague “just try to refocus your thoughts” kind of advice, which is why some therapists have just not worked for me before. I don’t do abstract. Don’t just tell me to be “mindful” tell me what that MEANS. Tell me what it LOOKS like to be “mindful.” So I tried my friend’s advice and I liked it. Trying to name 5 sounds I hear in the moment of anxiety is a good distraction.

self-care
Self-Care

Self-care is kind of a popular buzzword these days but it really is important. In the past self-care for me looked like this: spending time with friends, working out, treating myself to a pedicure, getting regular massages (thank you insurance!), having downtime to read and watch Netflix, cuddling with my fur-babies.

I’ve started keeping a list of things I want to do. Here are some ideas I found on self-care.

80+ Self-Care Ideas

Seven Types of Self-Care Activities for Coping with Stress

134 Activities to Add to Your Self-Care Plan

You Just Had a Baby

 

ALT_3.24.14

I’m so excited about the baby’s arrival! I want to BE PREPARED the best I can so I can enjoy every second of this amazing journey we are about to go on.

Do you have any advice or can you relate to this? What helped you?

Jun 302014
 

wedding

Last week I was having a hard time. I was hormonal, I was grumpy, I’d had a bad headache for several days, our dishwasher broke, our pantry was attacked by sugar ants, I’d been taking care of most things around the house because of Michael’s back, and just in the mix of all of that my knee had a flare up…something I hadn’t experienced in a long time and it was lingering. Whenever my knee acts up like that I get very depressed. Suddenly the idea of walking across the room seems like it’s miles long instead of a few feet.

During this time I was also doing a little stress eating. When I’m super stressed out I default to food. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could turn off that default and not use food as the salve. A lot of the time I can use exercise instead–but when you’re injured and that’s not an option it’s easy to feel lost. What sucks is that it is NEVER RUNNING that gives me Runner’s Knee. It always seems to be something else. Why? Why!

The animals are pretty good at sensing when I’m upset or need some cuddles. Fat Kitty is always spot on. I was crying about my knee and he jumped on the bed and started sniffing my tears. Dork. But it made me laugh and that cheered me up a little. Bella did too:

ygg3

 

bell1

I was at work one day and had been partaking in treats from the Candy Room. I’d made three stops there in one day. Not good but at least one of those stops was just for chewing gum. The last stop was right before a meeting and I got about 1/2 a serving (maybe even less) of cashews to munch on. I kind of grumbled about visiting the candy stash too much that day and one of my coworkers said, “Are you going to be able to fit in your wedding dress?”

My first reaction was to think, THANK YOU. Thank you for slapping me in the face with that reality. The wedding is coming up, I’m anxious about a lot of stuff, my knee is CRANKY right now and I’m starting to stress out about my weight. Maybe this is the reality check that will scare me enough into being better with my food?

My next reaction was to feel deflated and sad. Like, yeah right that dress won’t fit now…And go through the typical cycle of negative self-talk — the “I’m so fat” and “Why can’t I lose weight” and “Why can’t I make better choices?” In that moment of self-pity and self-loathing I wrote about the interaction on Twitter. A very sweet blogger buddy of mine responded with this:

Capture

 

Like my coworker’s insensitive joke, it was also a reality check. DUH. This wedding isn’t about the dress or the flowers or whether or not we serve fancy wedding cake (that doesn’t taste very good anyways). The wedding is about Michael and I celebrating our relationship and future together. It’s about JUST BEING ME because that’s who Michael proposed to. So why am I putting so much pressure on myself?

Karla also sent me a link to this article: Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating. It was a good article discussing a lot of topics around food, body image, weight loss and women’s self-esteem. I could relate to a lot of what was said. Here are two snippets:

“We all had to take health class but we didn’t learn A THING because all of us thought that skipping breakfast and eating Skittles for lunch was the way to stay thin, which A) didn’t work and B) made us dumb, because we were 14 years old and didn’t have any actual fuel to think. If I were teaching health class today, I’d do a special part where I’d say, “As teens, you shouldn’t feel like you have to diet, but let me be very clear: Not eating doesn’t make you skinny.” On repeat.”

“I think it also highlights just how quickly our body standards/ideals change — 15, 20 years ago, it was ALL ABOUT the heroin-chic super-skinny Kate Moss look. Now it’s all Pilates arms: You should look toned, but not TOO ripped, because then you’re scary Madonna. Such an impossible line to tread.”

I don’t know that the article made me feel any better but it was interesting. Anyways, this post doesn’t really have any wrap up or solution or easy answer. Still kinda feeling crappy about it! I keep repeating to myself that the wedding isn’t about how much I weigh and my knee will get better. Maybe one day soon I will believe it…