cat

Checking In

It’s been a few weeks since Yggdrasil passed away.

The next day, Michael suggested we go for an easy family hike to get me out of the house. It was a good idea. That week following his death was hard for me. I cried a lot. For the first days I kept expecting to see him in the house–sunbathing by the window, sleeping on Bella’s dog bed, burrowed underneath the covers on the bed (his favorite spot)–and when he wasn’t there, I was reminded.

Every day got a little bit easier, I guess. I got distracted with other stuff and was able to get a few hours a day of relief from grieving. But nevertheless, it would come back. I know time will heal the sadness, but it’s been hard.

Yggdrasil was such a big part of my life for so many years. I was definitely in denial that anything would ever happen to him. And when it got towards the end, I was still in denial. I kept thinking…maybe he would get a little better and we’d have more time. I know now, after the fact, that it was clearly time. But it’s been a hard realization.

I miss him a lot. Being busy has helped. It’s the downtime that makes me sad.

About a week after his death, we got the call that his ashes were ready to be picked up. I immediately burst into tears because the realization that he was truly gone hit me.

I cried a little bit when Michael brought the ashes home, but at the same time I felt a little bit better having him “home.” I really loved how great Compassionate Care Portland was. They were so amazing during the goodbye and I paid extra to get Yggdrasil’s paw prints and to get a clay paw print made. I absolutely loved how they turned out and they are so special to me. I plan on making a little photo box memorial with the paw prints and some photos.

That first week that Yggdrasil was gone was hard on Maya, too. For 14 years she’s been by his side. They loved each other so much. She cried a lot that first week. I feel like she was telling me she missed him, that she was lonely, and it broke my heart. For a few nights, my scaredy-cat Maya came out at bedtime and wanted me to give her pets.

She hasn’t done that for like 10 years. Yggdrasil was my shadow. Maya never really seemed to like me. She likes Michael and lets him pet her but she’s just not a cuddly, lap cat like Yggdrasil was. It was nice that she came to me wanting me to pet her. For three nights in a row, she let me pet her for over 30 minutes! Shocking!

I was hoping Maya would continue to want pets from me, but she’s back to being standoffish. 🙁

How have I been doing? I guess ok. It’s sunk in that Yggdrasil is gone and I’m sad and I miss him, but I’m trying to grieve and process the loss. I haven’t been taking the best care of myself. I’m working out, I’m counting my calories but I don’t have the best appetite and when I do, I’m not making the best choices. I’m just trying to do what I can right now.

This and That

It’s been a busy (and slightly stressful) few weeks. First, Fat Kitty needed to go to the vet. He was throwing up a lot, which wasn’t all that out of the ordinary but since we switched to special diet cat food that had stopped. He was okay but it was upsetting. I have to give him some pepcid to help his tummy. We’ll see if that makes a difference. It sure is fun trying to give a cat a pill!

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It’s hard to believe my baby is 14 years old now. Until recently he’s been like a 14 year old kitten. He’s starting to slow down a bit. And that makes me sad.

In other pet news…Bella injured herself somehow last week. She split one of her nails. 🙁

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She had to be sedated in order for them to fix it. That sucked. But she was a good girl and is taking her meds and healing. I think she’s okay now.

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So it’s been a bit stressful.

In the land of weight loss, I finally weighed myself. I needed to check in. The last time I weighed myself was mid-May. Since then I’ve lost 3 pounds. That was nice to see. I haven’t really been doing anything differently other than trying to be “better” about the snacking and eating junk food.

I am counting my calories and staying within my range. I only create a deficit in calories a few times a week but at least I am not going over my calories. I changed the setting in MyFitnessPal to 1800 calories as a base last month and then this week I’ve changed it to 1700 as a base. I often eat back the calories I burn in the gym but not always. It depends on the day, my hunger level, the activity I did in the gym, and Logan. Like I’ve said in the past, breastfeeding makes me starving. I generally have a handle on it but when Logan goes through a growth spurt and wants to eat hourly–you bet my hunger increases!

Anyways, so I am making progress. Slowly, but surely. I am going to stay at the 1700 calorie base for awhile and see how that goes. I am weary of going too low while breastfeeding so my goal is to not go below 1600 while I nurse. I kind of came to terms with the fact that I may not lose the baby weight until I stop nursing, so any loss is kind of a nice treat!

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So that’s what is going on here! I’ll end this post with baby feet. 🙂