body image

Diet Culture

I’ve been thinking a lot about diets, weight loss, body image, body acceptance and diet culture lately.

I have to admit, I have not been very happy in my skin for a long time now. Pregnancy and post-partum bodies can do a number on your mental health. Struggling to lose the weight after I lost so much weight before, getting close to pre-pregnancy weight and then having that reverse due to medications was a mindfuck.

I tried keto, like many readers know. I lost 10+ pounds, was feeling really good, feeling motivated, then it stopped working. And the next year and a half of keto, low-carb, and some kind of diet cycle like that made me gain and lose the same 10 pounds with no real success.

What did it do? Instead, it made me feel sad, depressed, deprived, frustrated. I felt like I was at CONSTANT WAR with my body, with my weight, with FOOD. Food was the ENEMY.

I didn’t like how I was mentally feeling. Looking at healthy foods like sweet potatoes, carrots, grapes, watermelon and thinking “I CAN’T EAT THAT — it’s BAD FOOD”. Bad food?! What? Since when is fruit and vegetables bad? It really is a hard shift in the brain.

While I do still think high numbers of carbs are not healthy and not what MY body likes…that does not mean I need to be severely restricting my carb intake to 20 carbs a day. That’s extreme. And is it healthy? I just don’t know. I do know that your body needs some carbs for your brain–for serotonin levels. Your body needs carbs for fuel and energy. Carbs feed your kidneys, brain, muscles, and central nervous system. Does that mean eat a donut? Not really. But maybe IT’S OK TO EAT A SWEET POTATO.

What is Diet Culture?

I unfollowed a lot of the “old” bloggers who are perpetuating this lifestyle. You know the ones, I don’t need to say. But they encourage severe restriction, macro counting, cleanses, living on smoothies instead of eating real food.

I unfollowed a bunch of Keto Instagrams I’ve followed for a long time now. They were becoming redundant and I was honestly sick of the constant before and after photos: the morbidly obese picture next to the gauntly skinny picture with a “I lost 200 pounds in a year on keto!” It was not a healthy space for me.

I felt like I was punishing my body, not seeing results, and living in a cycle of unhealthy behavior. Was it an eating disorder? I don’t know. But it wasn’t good. I decided to change it. No more keto. No more “Bad Foods.” I eat carbs in moderation. I eat everything in moderation. Am I still counting calories? Yes. (Some anti-diet culture stuff says not to do that.) Am I still exercising 5 days a week? Yes. It’s not as punishment for eating “bad” foods but because I feel better when I exercise in some way.

I’ve contributed to diet culture. With this blog. With my story. I don’t necessary think that’s bad, but I did contribute. My story was inspiring to a lot of people and I’m glad. I was not healthy at 255 pounds. But that does not mean I need to KEEP DIETING and keep getting skinnier…the whole “I’ll stop when I get to XXX weight” is not a good cycle to be in. Because, XXX weight, is never good enough.

How to Change Diet Culture

Limit Your Social Media Exposure: Do you follow a lot of diet accounts? Whether it’s keto, weight watchers, intermittent fasting, etc. If the entire focus is on weight loss, being SMALLER, severely restricting calories….is it mentally healthy for you? How do you feel seeing those images all the time? Are they triggering? Unfollow.

Think About What Really Matters. Is it sharing that ice cream cone on a hot summer day with your kids? Creating happy memories and traditions? Or do you deny yourself the ice cream because it’s “Bad” and feel miserable, or deny your kids the experience because you are triggered by sugar, or trying to keep your kids from having sugar? (Sure, sugar is not great, but once in awhile, a treat is ok! And I am very serious when I say I do not want to raise my child to have food issues/body image issues like I had my whole life.)

Don’t Try Fad Diets. I still advocate eating in moderation and exercising and weight loss is part of that. But maybe the fad diets, the severity, the demonizing of food is not.

Hide Your Scale. Some websites recommend throwing it out. I am not throwing out my scale. But I am going to limit the usage to once a month. A check in. But I am not going to obsessively weigh myself.

Follow Body Positive People/Social Media. I found a bunch the last few months that have really helped me mentally.

Freeing

Mentally, I feel better. Right now I am 20 pounds over the weight I want to be. I am a size 12, instead of the 10 I was for a decade (pre pregnancy of course). I catch my reflection in a window or mirror and I still feel deflated and wish I was 20 pounds lighter. But, overall I am coming to peace with all of it.

We have family pizza night now, once or twice a month. We get pizza from a local restaurant that has been hit hard by the pandemic and we want to support them. And it’s fun to have a family pizza night. Logan loves it! We are going to get sushi this weekend and see if Logan will try it. πŸ˜‰

I made zucchini bread last week. I used 1/2 the sugar the recipe called for because I still feel like sugar is not a good thing…but the bread turned out great and it was a nice, healthy dessert. And I didn’t feel guilty eating it.

So that is where I am at these days.

Keto & Mindful Eating

Quick Progress Update

The diet is going well so far. I am losing weight, slow and steady. I am averaging a loss of about .8-1.2 pounds a week and while it’s not a huge loss each week like a lot of the keto websites and bloggers promise (I feel like they promise big losses to sell their meal plans maybe?) I am still losing and I am happy with that. I knew going in that it would probably be a slow process. When I lost weight the first time, it was a pretty slow process.

Thoughts on Weight Loss

Before I started Keto, I was struggling. After having Logan my body was out of whack. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, age, metabolism, lack of sleep, all of it…it all contributed to no weight loss. Add in medications that caused some weight gain and I was right back to where I started when I had Logan. I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. I was stressed out and frustrated that NOTHING worked. No matter what I did I didn’t see much of a change on the scale. I kept gaining and losing the same 3 or so pounds.

I was definitely getting into some unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy mental loops. I was getting VERY restrictive with my calories. I was already pretty low–1400 calories a day–and that was with working out. I was seeing food as the enemy. I was looking at meals as a negative equation: How could I cut more calories? Why wasn’t I losing any weight as I cut more and more?

It wasn’t a healthy place to be. And it sucked because back in the day when I was trying to lose over 100 pounds, I was never in that obsessive, negative, eating-disorder mindset.

If nothing else, doing the keto diet has shifted my mindset into a different realm. I’m no longer focusing on calories–which is a HUGE shift for me considering calories were what I focused on for the last 15 years.

Instead, I am focusing on macros and net carbs/fat. The calories are at the bottom of my priority list. I am still trying to stay within a range but I no longer feel anxiety if I am seeing in the MyFitnessPal app that I am over my calories for the day. It is no longer the focus.

I feel less stress and anxiety about all of that, so that’s a relief. Sometimes if I go over the net carbs for the day I do feel disappointed in myself but I try not beat myself up about it. It’s just one day and IΒ usually don’t go that far over my goal.

When I am planning my meals and food for the day I focus on the macros and when I look at nutrients on food labels, I look at carb count first, and sometimes I don’t even look at the calorie count! SO weird! Especially for me!

I will be doing another weigh-in post and update in about two weeks.