Flashback: Exercise Addiction

I was cleaning out some of my old emails and google photos and came across this gym selfie from 10+ years ago.

My first thought? God I miss being that skinny! I looked so good. I was able to wear cute clothes, I felt confident in my body.

My next thought? I remembered the restriction. I remembered the long hours spent in the gym, declining social engagements because they conflicted with my rigid gym schedule. I remembered counting every single calorie I ate, eating very low calories, not enjoying food because I deprived myself of the things I WANTED and instead chose lower calories options (can we ALL agree cauliflower pizza is terrible?!). How many times did I skip birthday cake at a friend’s party because I had already eaten too many calories that day? How many times did I give and then go to the gym to “Work it off”. How many times did I restrict all day long because I was going out to dinner and wanted to “save” my calories?

I came across the above graphic on IG and it screamed at me. I could answer YES to all of those. And it reminded me of a time years ago that I wrote about here. Summary: we had family in town we were taking for a “short” and “easy” hike (we ended up reading the instructions wrong and the hike turned out to be 7 miles long!!). Because I didn’t think I’d burn enough calories on the EASY hike, I got up early to go for an almost 4 mile run and THEN lifted weights.

What in the actual EFF.

Talk about disordered. I think I ended up burning over 2000 calories that day and OF COURSE I didn’t fuel my body properly AT ALL. And of course, I was counting my calories and restricting. I cringed so hard reading that old post.

Something my autoimmune disorder has taught me is to listen to my body. Know my limits. Know when to back off, take a rest day (I don’t always listen, I am still learning). I no longer track my calories obsessively. I no longer log all of my workouts in my gym journal. I don’t schedule my workouts on my calendar. I listen to my body that day and decide what I want to do. Does my body look different than that first picture? Hell ya. Like by 35 pounds and 10 years. Does it make me sad and miss my old body? YES. 1000% but do I want to go back to my old ways in order to achieve and maintain it?

Nope.