Jun 302014
 

wedding

Last week I was having a hard time. I was hormonal, I was grumpy, I’d had a bad headache for several days, our dishwasher broke, our pantry was attacked by sugar ants, I’d been taking care of most things around the house because of Michael’s back, and just in the mix of all of that my knee had a flare up…something I hadn’t experienced in a long time and it was lingering. Whenever my knee acts up like that I get very depressed. Suddenly the idea of walking across the room seems like it’s miles long instead of a few feet.

During this time I was also doing a little stress eating. When I’m super stressed out I default to food. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could turn off that default and not use food as the salve. A lot of the time I can use exercise instead–but when you’re injured and that’s not an option it’s easy to feel lost. What sucks is that it is NEVER RUNNING that gives me Runner’s Knee. It always seems to be something else. Why? Why!

The animals are pretty good at sensing when I’m upset or need some cuddles. Fat Kitty is always spot on. I was crying about my knee and he jumped on the bed and started sniffing my tears. Dork. But it made me laugh and that cheered me up a little. Bella did too:

ygg3

 

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I was at work one day and had been partaking in treats from the Candy Room. I’d made three stops there in one day. Not good but at least one of those stops was just for chewing gum. The last stop was right before a meeting and I got about 1/2 a serving (maybe even less) of cashews to munch on. I kind of grumbled about visiting the candy stash too much that day and one of my coworkers said, “Are you going to be able to fit in your wedding dress?”

My first reaction was to think, THANK YOU. Thank you for slapping me in the face with that reality. The wedding is coming up, I’m anxious about a lot of stuff, my knee is CRANKY right now and I’m starting to stress out about my weight. Maybe this is the reality check that will scare me enough into being better with my food?

My next reaction was to feel deflated and sad. Like, yeah right that dress won’t fit now…And go through the typical cycle of negative self-talk — the “I’m so fat” and “Why can’t I lose weight” and “Why can’t I make better choices?” In that moment of self-pity and self-loathing I wrote about the interaction on Twitter. A very sweet blogger buddy of mine responded with this:

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Like my coworker’s insensitive joke, it was also a reality check. DUH. This wedding isn’t about the dress or the flowers or whether or not we serve fancy wedding cake (that doesn’t taste very good anyways). The wedding is about Michael and I celebrating our relationship and future together. It’s about JUST BEING ME because that’s who Michael proposed to. So why am I putting so much pressure on myself?

Karla also sent me a link to this article: Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating. It was a good article discussing a lot of topics around food, body image, weight loss and women’s self-esteem. I could relate to a lot of what was said. Here are two snippets:

“We all had to take health class but we didn’t learn A THING because all of us thought that skipping breakfast and eating Skittles for lunch was the way to stay thin, which A) didn’t work and B) made us dumb, because we were 14 years old and didn’t have any actual fuel to think. If I were teaching health class today, I’d do a special part where I’d say, “As teens, you shouldn’t feel like you have to diet, but let me be very clear: Not eating doesn’t make you skinny.” On repeat.”

“I think it also highlights just how quickly our body standards/ideals change — 15, 20 years ago, it was ALL ABOUT the heroin-chic super-skinny Kate Moss look. Now it’s all Pilates arms: You should look toned, but not TOO ripped, because then you’re scary Madonna. Such an impossible line to tread.”

I don’t know that the article made me feel any better but it was interesting. Anyways, this post doesn’t really have any wrap up or solution or easy answer. Still kinda feeling crappy about it! I keep repeating to myself that the wedding isn’t about how much I weigh and my knee will get better. Maybe one day soon I will believe it…

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Apr 212014
 

Back in February I posted T is for Truth where I admitted I have been struggling this winter. There were a lot of reasons (excuses) for the weight gain–I’ve been more sick this winter than any other (getting a cold/sinus infection three times!), I took a month off from weight lifting due to an injury, the typical holiday eating packed on some pounds, there was some stressful bullshit going on (those issues have since been resolved) and that led to some stress eating. I also changed my birth control–which cleared up my acne but caused some very unfortunately weight gain.

I was up to 149. 1 pound from goal weight. That buffer area is important to me. I like having some wiggle room between my current weight and my goal weight–it allows me to indulge once in awhile and not see the scales tip. I usually fluctuate between 144-146. That 149 was scary. I decided I needed to get my act together.

I wasn’t feeling good about myself and that was making me not feel good about everything else in my life. It sounds whiny, I know, but feeling uncomfortable in my skin colors how I see the rest of the world/go through my day. I wish I was stronger and didn’t let the self-esteem issues effect me in such a way. But when none of your clothes fit, it’s hard NOT to look in the mirror and feel disdain. Then Lori at Finding Radiance confessed that her self-esteem had taken a beating lately. It was nice to read that another maintainer was feeling similarly and it was comforting in a way.

I cleaned up my diet in a number of ways. I reduced or eliminated the liquid calories I was consuming. Having one glass of wine on a Friday and Saturday night is sufficient. Drinking during the week isn’t necessary and just packs on the pounds. I also took a look at my sugar habit. It was a little out of control this winter! I finally finished that tub of Nutella (it only took me 4 months) so that temptation is out of the house! I’ve stopped buying ice cream and other desserts. I do have dessert but I’m trying to make better choices and not eat it every night.

Last week I weighed myself for the monthly check-in. I was anxious. I’d been doing well with my food for weeks but my pants were STILL TOO TIGHT. Like skintight. I didn’t have high hopes. I was happily surprised! I’d lost a few pounds; weighing in at 147. I’ll take it. Progress is progress, even if it’s just a little bit.

I’m confused and frustrated that my pants don’t fit. I’m only 3-4 pounds higher than I was this time last year when my pants all fit. I find it hard to believe that 4 pounds could really make such a difference that my pants won’t button now. What is up with that??

set and reach goal concept

For awhile I will try to post once a week discussing my progress and making goals. I think I’ve gotten out of my funk and I’m ready to get serious.

This Week’s Goals

ACCURATELY track my calories each day–this means all the bites, nibbles, sips, snacks. It also means not lying to myself when I KNOW I ate more than one serving of something…

Drink at least 3 water bottles of water at work in addition to the water I drink at home and at the gym.

Strive to leave 200 calories left for each day in my “bank.” On days I work out I do eat more calories and I often justify the extra treats. Many days I have less than 100 calories leftover for the day. That’s not creating any kind of deficit. I think 200 calories is a good number to be left for the day.

how-to-set-goals
I will check in next week!

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