knee injury

Wedding Confession

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Last week I was having a hard time. I was hormonal, I was grumpy, I’d had a bad headache for several days, our dishwasher broke, our pantry was attacked by sugar ants, I’d been taking care of most things around the house because of Michael’s back, and just in the mix of all of that my knee had a flare up…something I hadn’t experienced in a long time and it was lingering. Whenever my knee acts up like that I get very depressed. Suddenly the idea of walking across the room seems like it’s miles long instead of a few feet.

During this time I was also doing a little stress eating. When I’m super stressed out I default to food. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could turn off that default and not use food as the salve. A lot of the time I can use exercise instead–but when you’re injured and that’s not an option it’s easy to feel lost. What sucks is that it is NEVER RUNNING that gives me Runner’s Knee. It always seems to be something else. Why? Why!

The animals are pretty good at sensing when I’m upset or need some cuddles. Fat Kitty is always spot on. I was crying about my knee and he jumped on the bed and started sniffing my tears. Dork. But it made me laugh and that cheered me up a little. Bella did too:

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I was at work one day and had been partaking in treats from the Candy Room. I’d made three stops there in one day. Not good but at least one of those stops was just for chewing gum. The last stop was right before a meeting and I got about 1/2 a serving (maybe even less) of cashews to munch on. I kind of grumbled about visiting the candy stash too much that day and one of my coworkers said, “Are you going to be able to fit in your wedding dress?”

My first reaction was to think, THANK YOU. Thank you for slapping me in the face with that reality. The wedding is coming up, I’m anxious about a lot of stuff, my knee is CRANKY right now and I’m starting to stress out about my weight. Maybe this is the reality check that will scare me enough into being better with my food?

My next reaction was to feel deflated and sad. Like, yeah right that dress won’t fit now…And go through the typical cycle of negative self-talk — the “I’m so fat” and “Why can’t I lose weight” and “Why can’t I make better choices?” In that moment of self-pity and self-loathing I wrote about the interaction on Twitter. A very sweet blogger buddy of mine responded with this:

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Like my coworker’s insensitive joke, it was also a reality check. DUH. This wedding isn’t about the dress or the flowers or whether or not we serve fancy wedding cake (that doesn’t taste very good anyways). The wedding is about Michael and I celebrating our relationship and future together. It’s about JUST BEING ME because that’s who Michael proposed to. So why am I putting so much pressure on myself?

Karla also sent me a link to this article: Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating. It was a good article discussing a lot of topics around food, body image, weight loss and women’s self-esteem. I could relate to a lot of what was said. Here are two snippets:

“We all had to take health class but we didn’t learn A THING because all of us thought that skipping breakfast and eating Skittles for lunch was the way to stay thin, which A) didn’t work and B) made us dumb, because we were 14 years old and didn’t have any actual fuel to think. If I were teaching health class today, I’d do a special part where I’d say, “As teens, you shouldn’t feel like you have to diet, but let me be very clear: Not eating doesn’t make you skinny.” On repeat.”

“I think it also highlights just how quickly our body standards/ideals change — 15, 20 years ago, it was ALL ABOUT the heroin-chic super-skinny Kate Moss look. Now it’s all Pilates arms: You should look toned, but not TOO ripped, because then you’re scary Madonna. Such an impossible line to tread.”

I don’t know that the article made me feel any better but it was interesting. Anyways, this post doesn’t really have any wrap up or solution or easy answer. Still kinda feeling crappy about it! I keep repeating to myself that the wedding isn’t about how much I weigh and my knee will get better. Maybe one day soon I will believe it…

Sometimes Bullet Points Are Easier

This post is entirely a mish-mash of everything! Complete with bullet points. Have a great weekend everyone.

  • Thank you all for the advice and support on my post about acne and anxiety.

The personal experiences with accutane gave me something to consider and most of the feedback was good. I haven’t made a decision yet. I’m trying the antibiotic route right now. I’m also going to talk to my doctor about switching my birth control pill to something that is supposed to help acne.

  • We picked a dog!

It wasn’t an easy decision to make. Jazzy or Bella. We loved them both and felt like both dogs would be a wonderful addition to our home. In the end it came down to two things: how Bella reacted when she met Fat Kitty and the fact that Bella is already trained in a lot of things. The fact that she can “sit” and is so well-behaved is huge! Since we’re first time dog owners, I think that was the better choice. I think Jazzy needs a home where one of her people either work part time or from home or have experience dog training. I will keep you posted on the Bella saga as it unfolds.

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  • I made a mistake canning!

As a newbie to canning, I appreciate the tip about the lemon juice. I wish I’d know that beforehand and it was my mistake for not finding the RIGHT recipe. So I popped the jars of the tomato sauce in the freezer and they seem alright. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than wasting all that sauce.

  • In other news, I went to spin class!

It’s been a year and a half since I went to spin class. I’d planned on biking to work the other day but the rainy weather that has set in this week discouraged me. So I went to spin.

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It was nice to be back at the class. I saw some of the “regulars” that I used to see in the class every week and one of them remembered me and asked me what I’d been doing. That was nice! She did STP this year and told me about her experience. Then class got started. I took it easy and it wasn’t the greatest class. My knees bugged me at a few different times during the class but the good news is that I didn’t have knee pain afterward OR the next day! I left Spin after 45 minutes–I probably should have just done 30 as my first attempt back. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can work up to staying for the whole class. My goal is to go to spin all winter long and hope that helps my knees and get me back to cycling for next year.

  • Michael made jalapeno poppers from the jalapenos from our garden!

We had tons this summer and they were really spicy. He pickled a ton of them and then we had the poppers with dinner. They were awesome. I wish they weren’t so much work because I could seriously eat these things every day. 😉

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He said it was kind of a Russian Roulette but with spicy. He wasn’t sure which ones were going to be the spiciest (I chose wisely with the three small ones) and he ended up getting the nuclear hot ones.

  • Engagement Photos!

We had to reschedule our engagement photo shoot because I wasn’t feeling well and our photographer was sick AND I had that horrible acne outbreak so it was probably a good thing we rescheduled. We’re doing them this weekend. Cross your fingers it doesn’t rain the entire time.

This concludes the bullet points. And it was rather long-winded for bullet points…Thanks again everyone for the advice. 🙂