Wedding Confession

wedding

Last week I was having a hard time. I was hormonal, I was grumpy, I’d had a bad headache for several days, our dishwasher broke, our pantry was attacked by sugar ants, I’d been taking care of most things around the house because of Michael’s back, and just in the mix of all of that my knee had a flare up…something I hadn’t experienced in a long time and it was lingering. Whenever my knee acts up like that I get very depressed. Suddenly the idea of walking across the room seems like it’s miles long instead of a few feet.

During this time I was also doing a little stress eating. When I’m super stressed out I default to food. I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could turn off that default and not use food as the salve. A lot of the time I can use exercise instead–but when you’re injured and that’s not an option it’s easy to feel lost. What sucks is that it is NEVER RUNNING that gives me Runner’s Knee. It always seems to be something else. Why? Why!

The animals are pretty good at sensing when I’m upset or need some cuddles. Fat Kitty is always spot on. I was crying about my knee and he jumped on the bed and started sniffing my tears. Dork. But it made me laugh and that cheered me up a little. Bella did too:

ygg3

 

bell1

I was at work one day and had been partaking in treats from the Candy Room. I’d made three stops there in one day. Not good but at least one of those stops was just for chewing gum. The last stop was right before a meeting and I got about 1/2 a serving (maybe even less) of cashews to munch on. I kind of grumbled about visiting the candy stash too much that day and one of my coworkers said, “Are you going to be able to fit in your wedding dress?”

My first reaction was to think, THANK YOU. Thank you for slapping me in the face with that reality. The wedding is coming up, I’m anxious about a lot of stuff, my knee is CRANKY right now and I’m starting to stress out about my weight. Maybe this is the reality check that will scare me enough into being better with my food?

My next reaction was to feel deflated and sad. Like, yeah right that dress won’t fit now…And go through the typical cycle of negative self-talk — the “I’m so fat” and “Why can’t I lose weight” and “Why can’t I make better choices?” In that moment of self-pity and self-loathing I wrote about the interaction on Twitter. A very sweet blogger buddy of mine responded with this:

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Like my coworker’s insensitive joke, it was also a reality check. DUH. This wedding isn’t about the dress or the flowers or whether or not we serve fancy wedding cake (that doesn’t taste very good anyways). The wedding is about Michael and I celebrating our relationship and future together. It’s about JUST BEING ME because that’s who Michael proposed to. So why am I putting so much pressure on myself?

Karla also sent me a link to this article: Why We Need To Stop Talking About What Women Are Eating. It was a good article discussing a lot of topics around food, body image, weight loss and women’s self-esteem. I could relate to a lot of what was said. Here are two snippets:

“We all had to take health class but we didn’t learn A THING because all of us thought that skipping breakfast and eating Skittles for lunch was the way to stay thin, which A) didn’t work and B) made us dumb, because we were 14 years old and didn’t have any actual fuel to think. If I were teaching health class today, I’d do a special part where I’d say, “As teens, you shouldn’t feel like you have to diet, but let me be very clear: Not eating doesn’t make you skinny.” On repeat.”

“I think it also highlights just how quickly our body standards/ideals change — 15, 20 years ago, it was ALL ABOUT the heroin-chic super-skinny Kate Moss look. Now it’s all Pilates arms: You should look toned, but not TOO ripped, because then you’re scary Madonna. Such an impossible line to tread.”

I don’t know that the article made me feel any better but it was interesting. Anyways, this post doesn’t really have any wrap up or solution or easy answer. Still kinda feeling crappy about it! I keep repeating to myself that the wedding isn’t about how much I weigh and my knee will get better. Maybe one day soon I will believe it…

Author: Lisa Eirene

About Lisa Eirene Lisa lost 110 pounds through calorie counting and exercise. She swims, bikes, runs, hikes and is enjoying life in Portland, Oregon. Her weight loss story has been featured in First Magazine, Yahoo Health, Woman's Day and Glamour.com.

12 thoughts on “Wedding Confession”

  1. Gosh Lisa, I’m sorry you had such a sucky week. I tend to turn to wine during times like that instead of food. Neither is a good crutch. Hope this week is better for you!

    I need to go read that article – the whole body image issue makes me so angry. We are constantly forced to compare ourselves to other women, even when we try not to. We’re so unfair to ourselves – but it’s not all our fault when we are constantly bombarded with images of women that are totally unrealistic.

    Now that I’m in my 40’s, it really pisses me off when someone comments about an older movie star and say “wow, she looks amazing for her age” when it’s obvious that 99.9% of women in Hollywood have work done. I don’t have an extra $20K for cosmetic surgery, so I’m stuck aging normally, as best I can. And, seriously, why won’t these same women just admit that they have help looking like that? Really, your 65 but look younger than me? It’s the same thing when a super-skinny celebrity claims she “eats all the time”.Bullshit. It’s a disservice to women everywhere to lie like that.

    Ugh, I guess I’m in a mood today.

    I guess it’s impossible not to become a little obsessed with how you look on your wedding day – I never had a big wedding so I wouldn’t know about that – but I was really inspired by this post from a year ago:

    http://www.suzistorm.com/2013/06/i-vow.html

    1. Thanks for the kind words Candace and that link. I read the post and it really struck a chord in me. I need to read it a few more times. 🙂

      I agree with you on the body image stuff. Even if you are feeling confident and okay with your body (and aging “naturally”), it’s hard NOT to compare when it’s in your face all day every day. You can’t avoid it! The expectations are so high.

  2. I think weddings are always stressful and you just want everything to be perfect but the most perfect part is the actual marriage itself. Nothing else truly matters in that moment that you say your vows. I didn’t have a big wedding (too much family drama to even think about it) but in the moment that I said my vows and my husband said his, nothing else mattered to me but that moment.

    Shame on your co-worker for even saying something, people can be extremely oblivious to what they are saying or how much a few words can really buckle someone already freaking out. You will be an amazingly beautiful bride and I am sure your soon to be husband will light up the minute he see’s you walking down that aisle, no matter what size wedding dress you are in.
    Kelly @ Finding a Skinnier Me recently posted..Love Thy Self…

    1. I know things won’t be perfect (as much as I want them to be) and I’m trying to let that go (or let the wedding coordinator day care of it that day). As for the rest of your comment, thank you, that was sweet and you are right! That moment is all that matters.

  3. Your coworker sucks. I had similar comments, although they weren’t meant to be mean. I dropped a TONNE of weight the week before the wedding. Between the stress and all the stuff to do I barely ate. Not that it is remotely healthy, it’s realistic, and you will probably find the same thing happens to you. Regardless, you will look beautiful because you are the bride and that’s what brides do.

    In hindsight, the wedding was more of a big deal than it should have been. It was one day. An amazing day that I wouldn’t change for the world, but still. Focus on the other parts that are more important like the rests of your lives together!

    1. I don’t know that she was trying to be mean, it maybe have been a joke but…who knows…I agree that there is SO MUCH pressure on this one day. It’s overwhelming sometimes.

      1. So overwhelming! And you’ll get so sick of “are you excited?!”. My moh coped it big time the day before the wedding – I was so stressed and I just couldn’t take another person asking me that question!

  4. I know my joint pain was 100% related to foods (sugar and wheat). I went from feeling 80 years old to feeling in my 20’s in about 10 days flat… kind of like that Benjamin Button movie… where he aged in reverse!

    Hang in there Lisa. Consider a 90 day opt out (Refuse to Regain, Barbara Berkeley, MD). Or 80 days if that’s what you’ve got before the wedding. Opting out of the junk could mean opting out of stress, stress eating, physical and emotional pain. Opting in might soothe for 5 minutes, but bring a whole lot more of the same old cycle.

    Set down the sugar. I know how hard that is. Should people be commenting, no. Should I say this.. maybe not. Delete this if you want. But I’ve been there and done it. 40 years. The beauty is that you have 80 days or so to choose to feel better. You can choose to step out of the cycle.

    You can choose the ending chapter of your single years and the start of the family years. The choice you make today will be part of this life’s chapter. Up to you how it’s written. What a nice gift to the start of your relationship! A gift you give yourself, but that your partner will also get- a clear minded you!

    Safe travels and good on you to admit it. That’s a great starting place.
    Karen P recently posted..Post about “white knuckling it” in Weight Maintenance from Dr. Berkeley, MD

    1. I appreciate your input and encouragement Karen. I wish that things could be that simple for me. I did go gluten and dairy free and didn’t notice a difference or at least, not enough of a difference to make it worth it for me. The sugar, now that’s something I know I can kick–maybe not permanently but at least for awhile. And once it’s out of my system I don’t crave it. It’s just hard getting there…

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