Oct 132015

Recently I posted a link to an article on my Facebook pageSO YOU’RE FEELING TOO FAT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED . . . I wanted to share it here for you guys to read, too. I really loved this article and could relate to so much! I’m sure many of you can, too.

“In our warped minds pictures become frozen mirrors that we can stare at as we pick apart our features over and over again. I know girl. I know.”

This was me for a really long time. Probably most of my life. I ducked for cover whenever someone brought out a camera at a party or event. If I was forced into participating in the picture I was the one that hid in the very back behind the group of people so that I could hide my body. I was just a floating head in the background.


My other move was to not have body shots taken. A lot of pictures were from the chest up. Not that that really hid the fact that I was fat, but somehow it was better for me.


Another trick: wear baggy clothes or big jackets/sweaters and to hold purses and bags and stuff in front of my body. Not foolin’ anyone!


As I was losing 100 pounds I started to get better about allowing photos to be taken of me. It was slow. It’s not like I lost 20, 30 or 40 pounds and immediately was like “yeah! I’m ok with pictures now!” I was still reluctant. But I’m glad I did get some photos because I get to look back now and see the transformation I made. I didn’t notice the weight loss as I was smack-dab in the middle of it. I couldn’t tell I was losing weight (other than having to buy new clothes in smaller sizes) until it was a drastic change. Looking at yourself in the mirror every day, you don’t see the changes.


The above photo was taken the day I weighed in at 50 pounds lighter–the day of my brother’s wedding. I was SO glad I reached that first goal before his wedding and that I was able to enjoy the day and not feel self-conscious about my body and not enjoy being in the photographs. It wasn’t about me and how I felt about my fat. It was a day for my brother and his wife to celebrate and I’m glad I’m in those photos. No matter what size I am.

“…always waiting for this elusive moment where I would be thin enough (pretty enough) to have such a permanent record of me. Because, you know, HEAVEN FORBID there be any proof that I look the way I actually look.”

That above quote from the article was TOTALLY me. Not only was I waiting to be thin enough for photos to be ok, I was waiting to be thin enough TO BE HAPPY. “I’ll be happy when I lose 50 pounds.” Why can’t I be happy now??


I’m also happy I have some photos of my heavy days (even if it’s not many) because sometimes I forget that was ever me. I see old pictures and I don’t recognize that person, I can’t relate and it doesn’t feel like I’m looking at myself. But I’m glad I have them because I can look back and think “that was that amazing trip to Chicago I took with my best friend!” I’m not thinking “that was the trip I took when I was 250 pounds.”

I think many of us have been there. But have you ever stopped to think, isn’t this a moment that I would like to remember someday? Even if it’s not my ideal body weight, wouldn’t I rather look back years to come and remember this moment? Christmas with family? Especially if family memories have passed away. Am I going to look at the photo and think “God I look fat in this photo!” or am I going to look at the photo and think “I really miss Grandpa. I’m so glad we got to spend that last Christmas together”??

Your children want pictures with their mom.

Your husband wants pictures with his beautiful wife.

Your mom and dad want pictures of the happy, successful, amazing woman they raised (ok, and more pictures of the grandkids while you’re at it)

So you’re feeling too fat to be photographed? . . . Ok. But you’re the only one who notices. The rest of us are too caught up in loving you.

Now that I’m pregnant and obviously going to be gaining weight, I’m trying not to focus on that. I’m growing a human. It’s not like I’m bingeing on pizza and ice cream like I did when I was 250 pounds. That was a different beast altogether. I’m trying to focus on my body as a healthy vessel for the baby, not criticize the weight gain or pick apart pictures of me that may not be the most flattering. It’s important to me to have PHOTOS of this magical time in my life. I want to look back years from now and think happy thoughts, not negative thoughts about weight gain. I’m trying to change my perspective.

What about you? Are you hiding from the camera or embracing life as it is in the moment?

Oct 122015

Even though we were sort of trying to get pregnant earlier this year, I was still trying to lose a few pounds. I really really wanted to get rid of that honeymoon weight before I got pregnant. I managed to lose 3 of the 10 pounds and then gained it back on vacation. As soon as I got back from vacation I was back at the diet and was confused as to why I wasn’t losing when I did the month before!

Well, surprise surprise! I know now. :)

So I’m starting this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than I wanted to be, but what am I going to do about it? My starting weight at 4 weeks pregnant was 157. 7 pounds over my goal weight. Sure it’s disappointing but honestly? Once I found out I was pregnant I didn’t really care anymore. Somehow the number on the scale didn’t matter to me anymore. Which was HUGE because it’s always mattered to me.

Instead, I started to think of my body as a vessel that I wanted to keep as healthy as possible. It was mind-blowing just how quickly the shift in my brain happened. Even though the pregnancy didn’t quite feel “real”, my brain was suddenly on alert–what food was healthiest? What would be the best thing to eat for the baby’s growth? My body and my weight was suddenly a secondary concern. It was kind of a relief.

I’m sure this will be short-lived. :) I imagine as the weight ticks up and my body REALLY starts to change I will struggle with the weight gain. Right now I am basking in the glow of happiness and trying not to focus on the scale.

I’m not too concerned about stretch marks. I know this is a big concern for a lot of women (and a common topic for currently pregnant bloggers) but I don’t care. I already have stretch marks. What’s a few more? You can’t lose 100+ pounds and not have stretch marks.

Something I am curious about is whether or not I will show or how soon I will show. Having lost 100 pounds the skin on my stomach is very loose and has been since I lost it. No matter how much I worked out and how much I focused on ab work or tried to clean up my diet, I never got rid of that pooch. In reality it was probably going to be something a surgeon would have to deal with. So now that I’m pregnant I’m kind of curious if that excess skin will keep me from showing too much? Time will tell.

Since this blog has mostly been about weight loss, keeping the weight off and fitness, it seems like I should address this stuff a little bit. Obviously there isn’t going to be a lot of weight loss going on here for the next 5 months…..

First Trimester

Like I said, I started out at 157. I didn’t weigh myself at all at home during the first trimester. I was weighed twice at the OB during the first trimester and didn’t look at the results until I made it to the second trimester. I guess I just didn’t want to know. Then I did.

I only gained 2 pounds during the first few months. They say you should gain 1-5 pounds in the first trimester, the about 1 pound a week for the rest of the pregnancy. So I was right on track.

I was honestly kind of surprised that I only gained 2 pounds this summer for a few reasons. Exhibit A:


MMMMM French Toast.

First, it does not take much for my body to gain! I was worried about this fact before I got pregnant. Second, my first trimester was all about CARBS. All I ate was pasta, bread, crackers. Basically crap.


I didn’t eat much meat. I didn’t eat a lot of vegetables. For a while there if I tried to eat a salad I’d gag while I forced myself to eat it. I was still eating fruit and dairy but really my diet was crap. I thought for sure I’d gained at least 5 pounds, maybe 8! So it was a nice surprise that I didn’t. :)

Michael surprised me one day with a Burgerville Blackberry shake (oh my god it’s amazing) and it was magnificent! (Sadly, this small shake is 500 calories though!)


Towards the end of the first trimester I was starting to get my appetite back and eating a little more normally. I also started craving cheeseburgers and fries.


Despite my occasional splurges, I was doing okay with my calories and staying within my range each day.

I think I will need to increase my calorie intake soon. I need to double check that. Now that I don’t feel sick and food sounds good to me again, it’s a lot easier to try and eat a normal healthy diet! I’m really glad my diet is almost back to normal. And I want vegetables again!


Despite feeling sick with morning sickness all summer, I worked out like normal throughout the first part of my pregnancy so I’m sure that helped keep the weight gain at bay. I plan on keeping my current workout routine/schedule for as long as I can. Obviously the time will come that I need to modify things and I may need to eliminate some activities but so far there is no need to quit doing the gym.


I run occasionally. After my 5k I took a little break from running. Mostly due to scheduling stuff and being on vacation. But I’m back at it. I’m slow, STILL, and that’s ok. As the weather changes it will be treadmill running anyways.

Swimming. Still swimming. The bigger I get, the more my body starts to ache, etc, I foresee swimming increasing and being my go-to exercise for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Weight lifting. Still weight lifting but easing back a little bit and not doing it as hard-core. This is more due to the back stuff I had in August then the pregnancy.

Yoga. Going once a week and I’m glad I’m doing it. This might be another activity that increases as the months go on.

Hiking. Michael and I hope to do a lot of hiking this fall/winter like we did last year. This of course depends on the weather.

So that’s my plan so far. I’m going to keep doing what has worked for me, listen to my body and modify what needs to change as time goes on.