book recommedations

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body

After reading “Shrill“, it seemed like a logical next step to read Roxane Gay’s new book “Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body.” Again, I wanted to dedicate one post to the book review. 

“This is not a weight-loss memoir. There will be no picture of a thin version of me, my slender body emblazoned across the book’s cover, with me standing in one leg of my former, fatter self’s jeans.”

That quote sums up the book pretty well. This was not a weight loss memoir. It was also a very heavy, dark book and her pain and anguish is palpable throughout the book.

 

“At my heaviest, I weighed 577 pounds at six feet, three inches tall. That is a staggering number, one I can hardly believe, but at one point that was the truth of my body.”

She considered weight loss surgery as a teen. Her dad said, “You’re not at this point yet, a little more self-control. Exercising twice a day.That’s all you need.”

Her parents, her father especially, we really wonderful. I wish she had trusted them and talked to them when she was a kid. Maybe things would have worked out differently for her…

“This book, Hunger, is a book about living in the world when you are not a few or even forty pounds overweight. This is a book about living in the world when you are three or four hundred pounds overweight.”

She talks about the terms “morbidly obese” and how the medical community treats them. “The cultural measure for obesity often seems to be anyone who appears to be larger than a size 6.”

Truth! Two years ago, before I got pregnant, I was 7 pounds over my goal weight, worked out 5 days a week, ate well and had a healthy lifestyle. Yet, according to doctors, I was overweight. Their scale for “obesity” is absurd. And doctors can be total assholes to fat people. She then shared a story about going to the doctor for strep throat and “watched as the doctor wrote in the diagnosis section first ‘morbid obesity’ and second ‘strep throat.'”

Ugh! That pissed me off so much! I could relate to it, though. There were many times when I went to the doctor for something completely unrelated and they just started criticizing my weight. Go to the doctor for pink eye and get lectured on losing weight. It makes me so angry that the medical community apparently has no compassion or bedside manner when it comes to obesity.

“I have presence, I am told. I take up space. I intimidate.  I do not want to take up space. I want to go unnoticed. I want to hide. I want to disappear until I gain control of my body.”

“I began eating to change my body. I was willful in this. Some boys had destroyed me, and I barely survived it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to endure another such violation, and so I ate because I thought that if my body became repulsive, I could keep men away…if I was undesirable I could keep more hurt away.”

“He said/she said is why so many victims (or survivors, if you prefer that terminology) don’t come forward. All too often, what ‘he said’ matters more, so we just swallow the truth. We swallow it, and more often than not, that truth turns rancid. It spreads through the body like an infection. It becomes depression, or addiction or obsession or some other physical manifestation of the silence of what she would have said, needed to say, couldn’t say.”

That quote above sums up the book pretty well. At 12 Roxane was gang raped in the woods. One of her attackers was someone she thought was a friend, a boy she liked. It was brutal and savage and she spent the rest of her life eating — trying to silence the pain of the event, of not speaking up, of telling herself it was all her fault.

“I do not know why I turned to food. Or I do. I was lonely and scared and food offered an immediate satisfaction. Food offered comfort when I needed to be comforted and did not know how to ask for what I needed from those who loved me. Food tasted good and made me feel better. Food was the one thing within my reach.”

“My body is a cage. My body is a cage of my own making. I am still trying to figure my way out of it. I have been trying to figure a way out of it for more than twenty years.”

“In too many ways, the past is still with me. The past is written on my body. I carry it every single day.”

Her parents were concerned about her weight and health. They tried everything they could. She even went to “fat camps.” She’d lose weight then come home and gain it all back and more. She goes on to say that she only tried to lose weight when her parents made her. Eventually she went to boarding school. The flood gates were open: she was on her own and ate herself into obesity. During the four years of high school she said she gained 120 pounds.

“I was presented with an orgy of food and I indulged in all of it. I reveled in eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted…I was swallowing my secrets and making my body expand and explode. I found ways to hide in plain sight, to keep feeding a hunger that could never be satisfied–the hunger to stop hurting. I made myself bigger. I made myself safer. I created a distinct boundary between myself and anyone who dared to approach me.”

I think this is a very common thing with sex abuse survivors. There is the aspect of getting comfort from food, as well as protecting your body from unwanted advances or attacks by just getting fat.

“In some ways, it feels like the weight just appeared on my body one day. I was a size 8 and then I was a size 16 and then I was a size 28 and then I was a size 42.”

I could so relate to that statement. I remember in my early 20’s when I was really gaining all my weight–due to emotional eating and trying to feed the sadness I was experiencing–that I didn’t think I was “that big.” And I truly did wake up one day and all of a sudden I was a size 18. It really did feel like it happened overnight.

“When you’re overweight, your body becomes a matter of public record in many respects. Your body is constantly and prominently on display. People project assumed narratives onto your body and are not at all interested in the truth of your body, whatever that truth might be. Fat, much like skin color, is something you cannot hide, no matter how dark the clothing you wear, or how diligently you avoid horizontal stripes.”

That last statement made me chuckle because it’s funny and it’s so true. I can’t tell you how much I could understand that! I used to pick my clothes with the precise desire to hide my body and how big I was. I wore a lot of black. I didn’t wear patterns or stripes. I also bought clothes that were large and rather ill-fitting because I thought it hid how big I was–wrong. It just made me look bigger.

“Your body is subject to commentary when you gain weight, lose weight, or maintain your unacceptable weight.”

Yep. Yep. Yep. When you are a fat person for some reason that means that anyone–even complete strangers–are free to make comments to you about your weight, your body, whether or not you are pregnant, etc. etc. I got all sorts of nasty, rude, inappropriate comments from complete strangers that left me feeling baffled–would they have said that to their sister? No. So why was it ok to say it to me, a complete stranger??

“…food is not something I can enjoy around most people. To be seen while I am eating feels like being on trial.”

Roaxane goes on to tell a story that I could relate to, and that in the last book I read, “Shrill” that author also described in a similar way. The process of going out to a restaurant: obsessively checking restaurant websites, yelp, Google images, etc to make sure that the chairs were sturdy, that Roxane could fit into the chairs, that she could fit in the booths, could she fit walking between the tables in the restaurant?

Also like “Shrill,” she shared an airline story. I think every fat person has at least one airline horror story. 🙁 It really is an awful experience when you are fat.

Roxane talks a little bit about feminism and how it relates to obesity. She shares some stories and opinions and also comments on the diet culture:

“In yet another commercial, Oprah somberly says, ‘Inside every overweight woman is a woman she knows she can be.’ This is a popular notion, the idea that the fat among us are carrying a thin woman inside.”

She comments on celebrity women who get pregnant and how their “bodies are intensely monitored during and after–from baby bumps to post-baby bodies.” And how her body is tracked and documented until she “once again resembles the extraordinarily thin woman we once knew.”

There is SO much pressure for women to IMMEDIATELY bounce back to their pre-baby weight. Celebrity or not, it’s expected to lose the baby weight right away.

“I recognize that, despite what certain weight-loss system commercials would have me believe, I cannot eat everything and anything I want. And that is one of the cruelties of our cultural obsession with weight loss. We’re supposed to restrict our eating while indulging in the fantasy that we can, indeed, indulge. When you’re trying to lose weight, you cannot have anything you want…having anything you want is likely what contributed to your weight gain.”

The older I get, the more I struggle with weight loss, I realize now that I was lucky 10+ years ago when I was losing my weight. I was focused and determined and it worked–but I wasn’t TRULY having “anything” I wanted. I had some things I wanted, in moderation, but it was still restricted.

“I know what it means to hunger without being hungry. My father believes hunger is in the mind. I know differently. I know that hunger is in the mind and the body and the heart and the soul.”

So powerful. 🙁

“Intellectually, I do not equate thinness with happiness. I could wake up thin tomorrow and I would still carry the same baggage I have been hauling around for almost thirty years. I would still bear the scar tissue of many of those years as a fat person in a cruel world.”

“I am learning to care less what other people think. I am learning that the measure of my happiness is not weight loss but, rather, feeling more comfortable in my body.”

I compare this book to “Shrill” because it’s a similar subject matter and I read the books back to back. But that’s really where the similarities end. Same subject matter, similar stories, but with “Shrill” I finished the book and felt like the author was in a good place emotionally. She used humor to help her deal with a lot of the issues she encountered in her life and I was just left with feeling more upbeat (? if that’s the right word?) but with “Hunger”….

Damn, the entire book, I felt like a dark, sad blanket was covering me. It was difficult to read. I could relate to a lot of stuff, I can see where this book could be very triggering for some people. And when I finished the book, I didn’t have that “upbeat” feeling…I had the same feeling I had when I started the book: “poor Roxane was really, really broken.” That might sound critical, and I don’t mean it that way, it just didn’t seem like she ever healed from her tragedy. I wanted to read about some growth at the end, I wanted her to overcome the horrific thing that happened to her, and it just felt like she was still stuck back there in the woods and will probably always use food to fill that hole.

Don’t let my feelings discourage you from reading this book, though. It was very, very well-written and I loved her writing style. I want to read her other books. She’s definitely a talented writer with a story to tell that I think a LOT of women can relate to. Just go into it being prepared.

Read These Books!

Okay I’ve read some REALLY good books lately! Here are a few that you should add to your “to read” list!

1. The Returned by Jason Mott

This book is about the dead returning to the living. No, not zombies or creatures. They just…reappear. The main characters are Lucille and Harold–an elderly couple living in the South who lost their only song, Jacob, when he was 8 years old in 1966. The dead are coming back to life and returning to their loved ones with the help of a new government agency. But they just see this in the news–stories about “The Returned”. Until Jacob shows up on their porch with an agent, still 8 years old.

“It really is a blessing from God, Agent Martin Bellamy…and just because a person don’t quite understand the purpose and meaning of a blessing, that doesn’t make it any less of a blessing…does it? [pg 78]”

They have the choice to accept Jacob, or to deny him. They choose to take him back into their lives, despite the fear and trepidation around whether it is “natural”. “Some folks locked the doors of their hearts when they lost someone. Others kept the doors and the windows open, letting memory and love pass through freely. [pg 338]”

It’s a good book, a quick read. While it does tend to drag a little in the middle of the story where the protesters are rallying again the “Returned” and the Returned are being rounded up and imprisoned, I still liked the book and it was an interesting story!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

2. As the Crow Flies: Walt Longmire Book 8 by Craig Johnson

Have you started reading this series yet? No? Why not?! It’s a great mystery series and I just LOVE this world that the author has created. The characters are complex and I love them. Walt is a great hero and in this book there is a new character introduced whom I hope sticks around – Lolo Long, the new chief of Tribal Police. She’s difficult, by the book and no one likes her but Walt takes her under his wing, so to speak, and coaches her. Despite starting out as a very unlikeable character, I grew to like her and hope she becomes a regular character.

This book was just as good as the other ones in the series. It’s a murder mystery, but also a book about Walt and Henry Standing Bear planning Walt’s daughter’s Cheyenne wedding. And these two old guys planning a wedding are absolutely HILARIOUS. Great book.

As-the-Crow-Flies

3. The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty

This is the second book I’ve read from this author and hands down, she’s a great writer. The stories are compelling and suck you in. This book is no different. I couldn’t stop reading it! Then when it was almost finished I started to bum out that I was nearly done.

Similarly to “Big Little Lies”, there are three story lines taking place with each woman the main character of that story and then the stories eventually intercept. I liked all three women equally and enjoyed their stories and I admit that I guessed “the husband’s secret” pretty early on. I don’t want to spoil it for readers so I will be vague. My only concern is that if I continue to read this author she uses the same format of three women telling their story. I can see that getting old.

However, this book was REALLY good. Read it.

91PA45Vtb7L._SL1500_
4. The Good Girl by Mary Kubica

Another “If you liked Gone Girl…” book. I don’t really get the comparison. The epilogue maybe falls under the comparison but overall I don’t think so. The Good Girl is about the abduction of Mia, an art teacher who also happens to be the daughter of a Chicago aristocratic judge. The chapters flash back and forth between Mia’s kidnapper, Mia’s mother Eve as she deals with the man-hunt and search for her daughter, and Gabe the detective in charge of her case.

The writing is really well done and I didn’t want to stop reading the book. Each chapter ended and I thought, “Okay, now I’ll go to bed…” then I’d read just one more chapter. It took me a day or two to read the whole book. It’s a fast, easy read and you end up liking a lot of the characters, even her kidnapper. This was a quality book that I would recommend to anyone looking for a GOOD BOOK to read!

41rJGreuAJL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_

5. The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin

I loved this book. I loved every single word of it; I loved the story; I loved the characters. Everything about this book was wonderful and charming. It’s a story about AJ, a grumpy bookstore owner on an island off Boston. His life is forever changed one night when, passed out drunk and depressed from his wife’s recent death, he wakes up to find a priceless book stolen. Basically his life savings is gone. Shortly thereafter he finds a 2 year old girl left in his bookstore with a note from the mother. She can’t keep her daughter and wants her to grow up smart and loving books.

AJ ends up adopting Maya and raises her on his own. His sister-in-law is a pivotal character, as well as his soon to be second wife, Amelia. Complete the little family with the best friend police chief and you have a fantastic group of characters that are so well-developed that you just want to join their world.

“Remember, Maya: the things we respond to at twenty are not necessarily the same things we respond to at forty and vice versa. This is true in books and also in life. [pg 41]”

“We read to know we’re not alone. We read because we are alone. We read and we are not alone. We are not alone. [pg 249]”

“My life is in these books, he wants to tell her. Read these and know my heart. [pg 249]”

The characters were excellent. The dialogue was witty and funny and smart. A nice change from the forced and often stilted dialogue in novels that just comes across as fake. This book was all around amazing–one I am thinking of buying and reading again someday. Loved it.

aj
6. The House We Grew Up In by Lisa Jewell

I didn’t really know what I was getting in to when I started this book, other than it was about a family and their dramas. Turns out the mother, Lorelai is a hoarder. The story spans a generation of the family, her four kids growing up in a house where she saves every little thing. Meg, the oldest, realizes at a very age that her mother is mentally ill but no one else in the family will admit to it and they don’t try and help her. It’s begins with Easter and the novel largely revolves around Easter and the things that happened to them around that time. One of the first clues that the mother is ill is that she “saves the foils” from the Easter egg hunt she plans annually for the kids. The description of her frenzy around “saving the foils” was chilling.

The stories of the siblings intertwine and then we’re at “present” day where Lorelai has finally died, basically starving herself and she had TB. The family reunites to clean out the house and it’s worse than it was when they saw it last. They have to crawl through the piles to get through the house, kind of like rats burrowing and crawling.

The writing is really good and the characterization is well-done. You felt sympathy for everyone in the family when it was their turn to kind of tell their story. It was a great read and I enjoyed the book a lot, despite the sadness and mental illness of the mother.

18764826
7. The Shadow Year by Hannah Richell

I could NOT stop reading this book. I read it in two days and had I not had to go to work I probably could have read it in one sitting. 🙂 There were two parallel stories going on, one in 1980 where a group of newly graduated from college friends decide to live off the grid in a cottage near a lake. The other story is about modern day Lila and her husband Tom. They’ve suffered a horrible tragedy and Lila is struggling with her grief.

She inherits this mysterious cottage from someone she doesn’t know and decides to fix up the cottage. She ends up living in the cottage, separated from her husband essentially, while she works through her grief. The story seems predictable but it had some interesting twists and turns in it that didn’t feel predictable. I absolutely loved this book and was disappointed when I finished it! Beautiful, poignant, excellent book.

anzshadow_year_artwork_new-fc-small
8. The Kind Worth Killing by Peter Swanson

Dark, twisted, similar to Gone Girl…It’s being compared to Gone Girl and Girl on the Train and I tend to agree. It’s a twisted story that keeps you guessing and just when you think you’ve got it, there’s another twist. The main character shifts through out the story and it’s very well done and not confusing. You grow to like the characters, even the despicable ones, and it’s a compelling read.

The story starts out with Ted, a rich guy who recently discovered his beautiful wife is cheating on him with the contractor who is building their mansion. Ted meets Lily on a plane from London to Maine and he tells his story. She offers to help him kill his wife, Miranda. Little does he know that Lily has done this before. The story is told in flashbacks, weaving them into present day as all of these evil people plot against each other. What a good read!

image
Hope you guys check out some of these books and enjoy them!