Self-Care, Anxiety and Post-Partum

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. I’ve taken medications on and off, I’ve been in therapy. After years of therapy and reflection I believe that my issue is mainly anxiety, not depression. While they can go hand-in-hand, anxiety seems to be my biggest problem. I’ve had a lot of therapists over the years, and different types. I’ve gone years without therapy or medication. I know that exercise helps a LOT with the issues I have.

The most recent time I was seeing a counselor, I really liked her a lot. She’d also lost a lot of weight (like 80 pounds I think?) and for the first time I was able to work through some body issue stuff that most people, and most counselors, can’t relate to. She understood. She was great! Then she went out on maternity leave and I had the option to see someone else but decided not to. Of course, she decided not to come back so I couldn’t see her anymore anyways if she came back. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen a therapist and decided it was time to go back.

The search for someone new began.

This part sucks. Big time. Like I said, I’ve had dozens over the years. I moved, insurance changes, therapists leave, etc etc. So I am well-versed in the “find a new therapist, give them the cliffsnotes version and see if we’re a good match” routine. It still sucks. I hate starting over.

This time, I was on a mission. My focus was not going to be body issues or other issues I’ve discussed in therapy in the past. This time I had something very specific to discuss: post-partum depression (PPD).

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Knowing my history with anxiety and depression, being off medications for a year and a half, not knowing what it would be like after the baby arrives, I knew it was good to find someone to talk to NOW and make sure I’m on the right track. I felt like it was better to be prepared. Know the warning signs. Learn some coping skills NOW. Try and avoid what may (or may not) happen.

I know very little about PPD. And I find that in my reading, not a lot of people talk about it. I don’t know why. It seems like it’s a common occurrence.

“Postpartum depression is depression that occurs after having a baby.

The symptoms of postpartum depression are similar to symptoms for depression, but they also include:

  • Trouble sleeping when your baby sleeps (more than the lack of sleep new moms usually get).
  • Feeling numb or disconnected from your baby.
  • Having scary or negative thoughts about the baby, like thinking someone will take your baby away or hurt your baby.
  • Worrying that you will hurt the baby.
  • Feeling guilty about not being a good mom, or ashamed that you cannot care for your baby.

According to a CDC survey, 8 to 19% of women reported having frequent postpartum depressive symptoms. (CDC)”

I’ve seen stats that are kind of all over the place but the general number seems to be between 11-20% of women suffer from PPD. Reading more into it, I feel like what *I* personally need to be more aware of is Post-Partum Anxiety. Considering that anxiety has been my biggest issue (far over depression), it stands to reason that this could become an issue.

Something that I’ve found disappointing with the blog world is the lack of disclosure and the sugar-coating of things. Blogs I loved to read…I ended up feeling disappointed because they’d have a baby and everything would be portrayed as rainbows and sunshine and everything was PERFECT. Then, sometimes (but not always), they’d share months later that things weren’t the perfect portrayal they presented. They struggled. Baby was tongue-tied and couldn’t breastfeed, everyone was suffering stress and exhaustion, mom suffered from PPD, etc etc.

I just wish there was more of a community, more transparency, more honesty. I feel like women are expected to be perfect, not complain about anything…when the reality might be very different and wouldn’t it be NICE to be surrounded by people that understand? And have been through it? Can relate? Can assist? Why isn’t there more of a community??

Anyways…I saw a new therapist and discussed my concerns with her. I really like the new person I’m seeing. She’s a behaviorist and with just a few sessions I already felt like I understood how to “fix” anxiety better with HER than any other therapists I’ve seen.

My post-partum plan:

Of course this is just a plan, it may or may not happen. But it’s my goal, at the very least.

  1. Take a shower and get dressed every day.
  2. When cleared by my doctor, get back to exercising when I can. I know myself and I know that physical activity helps with my anxiety. Even if it’s just taking the little boy and Bella outside for a walk every single day, I need to do something.
  3. Continue going to therapy and learn coping skills for my anxiety.
  4. Self-care!
  5. Get out of the house, see friends and family, do outings! I know myself and being cooped up in the house will make me a little crazy. 🙂 I get stir-crazy after being home sick with a cold for a few days!
  6. Learn to ask for help, and accept help when it’s offered.


I talked to a friend recently who suffers from debilitating anxiety. I understand that my anxiety is not a panic disorder (like hers is) and that I do already have SOME coping skills that help me with my anxiety. I’m doing okay–is my anxiety conquered? Not by a long shot. But I am managing it. Anyways, my friend is in cognitive behavioral therapy and she had a fabulous suggestion that she’s being doing for her anxiety. When the panic and anxiety starts to take hold, she closes her eyes and tries to name 5 sounds she hears in that moment. She said it’s really helpful to get her to focus on something else, calm down, take the rising panic out of the anxiety and try and re-focus her energy and mental thread. I’ve tried it and it works!

I really struggle with vague “just try to refocus your thoughts” kind of advice, which is why some therapists have just not worked for me before. I don’t do abstract. Don’t just tell me to be “mindful” tell me what that MEANS. Tell me what it LOOKS like to be “mindful.” So I tried my friend’s advice and I liked it. Trying to name 5 sounds I hear in the moment of anxiety is a good distraction.


Self-care is kind of a popular buzzword these days but it really is important. In the past self-care for me looked like this: spending time with friends, working out, treating myself to a pedicure, getting regular massages (thank you insurance!), having downtime to read and watch Netflix, cuddling with my fur-babies.

I’ve started keeping a list of things I want to do. Here are some ideas I found on self-care.

80+ Self-Care Ideas

Seven Types of Self-Care Activities for Coping with Stress

134 Activities to Add to Your Self-Care Plan

You Just Had a Baby



I’m so excited about the baby’s arrival! I want to BE PREPARED the best I can so I can enjoy every second of this amazing journey we are about to go on.

Do you have any advice or can you relate to this? What helped you?

Visualize a Wall

This week was a good week for me in the gym. I was feeling strong and positive about my body. Before my Spin class I hit the treadmill and had the BEST run I’ve had since I started up again. I started out at a 5.0 speed instead of slowly warming up and I really felt like I couldn’t go fast enough. it felt fantastic!

I think part of the reason was that I got distracted by that Super Nanny show on TV. Man are those kids monsters on that show! I’m sure that’s the point of the show, but still….Before I knew it, I had run a fast (for me) mile and I kept going. Then I looked down and I’d run 1.25! It was such a nice boost.

I went to Spin after my run and settled in for lots and lots of climbs. I realized something in my class. By going easy on myself in Spin class, I was just cheating myself for when I went back outside on my bike. I was doing the same workout as the teacher, similar resistance, but babying my body. I was so afraid of setting the resistance too hard and hurting my knee, I thought it was better, smarter, to reduce it. Instead of protecting myself, I think I was wasting my time. I wasn’t challenging myself as much as I needed to and I was really just going through the cardio motions.

This recent spin class was different. When the instructor said “8 out of 10 challenging climb” I actually cranked up that knob until it WAS challenging for me. NOT just a “sort of challenge that didn’t risk anything” kind of workout. And guess what? It rocked.

While I was on the bike, doing these very challenging seated climbs where it was a struggle just to propel my feet and legs each rotation, I visualized that monster hill in the Portland Century. It was the kind of hill that was short but straight up–really, it was a wall right in front of me. It was the kind of hill where cyclists gave up before they even started to climb it, and instead walked their bikes up. It was the kind of wall hill that I wanted more than anything to conquer on my bike–without giving up half way up like everyone else.

I remembered what I felt like when I was trying to climb that hill last summer. I remembered how the air in my lungs were burning as I gasped in and out like a fish on land. I remembered how my thighs and quad muscles were scorching in pain and my body was burning every little last bit of energy I had left to make it up that wall. And I remembered how wobbly and happy I felt once I reached the top. I used that visualization to get through the “8 out of 10 challenging climb” in the class. It was hard, but nowhere near as challenging as that wall.

I was glad I pushed myself in the class, challenging my body to do what I’ve been training to do: climb hills. My legs are strong. The muscles in my legs are bigger. They can take it. They want those challenges. So while the music in the gym was pulsating in my ears and sweat was dripping down the back of my neck, I hunkered down and just focused on that wall that I climbed last summer. I closed my eyes and thought about every single moment and every single pedal rotation until I was through it. It felt awesome!

Gym Stats:

Time: 1:38
Calories Burned: 649
Distance: 1.28 mile run, 15 mile bike 

That being said, this is just a friendly reminder to anyone else working out, taking fitness classes, trying to get in shape….

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How many people out there can say that they’ve just been “going through the motions” and not really challenging themselves? I admitted it! And I changed that. I pushed myself to the brink and felt happy, energized and inspired after doing so. Let’s all get out of our “going through the motions” funk.

I got home from the gym to find a magnificent feast waiting for me! It was magnificent for two reasons: 1) I was absolutely famished and burst into the house kinda like Kool-Aid Guy and 2) I didn’t have to do any of it! Michael cooked the steak and the veggies without any of my participation, which was kinda nice. I just stood there and enjoyed the jalapeno and garlic stuffed green olives his mom brought us back from California:

The jalapeno stuffed olives were awesome and SPICY! I ate about 5 of them. Then dinner was ready. It was nice to have these green things again:

The steak was thick: my cut was about 1.5 servings or just under that because there was actually a lot of fat on one side. The Brussels sprouts were sauteed in grapeseed oil, seasoned with salt and pepper and had some bacon in it. Yes, I know I was eating steak and bacon but Brussels sprouts are so damn good with bacon!

The dinner felt like a hearty, caveman-diet. Meat. Green food. More Meat. Wine. RAWR! But it was tasty. And exactly what I needed after my challenging workout. The positive run and the positive spin class boosted my mood tremendously. I cannot express just how great I felt.

QUESTION: What do you visualize when you need that extra boost?