How Do I Look? Or, How Do I Feel?

I’m pretty sure my boyfriend hates that time of the month.

Nope, not THAT time. It’s the one time of the month that I weigh myself. I’ve been doing the once a month step on the scale for about 3 or 4 years now. I had to limit it because I was getting a little too obsessed with whatever that number was and I let it ruin my whole day. It could have been +1 pound (probably water retention) but I still let it totally deflate me. It wasn’t a healthy cycle to get into and since I was pretty much maintaining (within 2-3 pounds both ways), I didn’t NEED to get on the scale every week. In fact, I found that my weight always leveled out and remained the same when I let the hormonal flux each week even out on it’s own. Weighing once a month meant I never saw that 3 pound boost of pre-hormonal water retention. It was like it never happened!

Weighing in once a month took away that obsession with the scale. Or at least, for 3 weeks of the month. Having a set time and day that I weigh each months means that I can check in with myself, catch any slip-ups that might mean I need to reign in the food, and it’s consistent. I was between 143-145 for nearly 4 years.

So why does Michael hate that time of the month? The day (and let’s be honest, sometimes the day before I weigh in) I see that number STILL fills me with anxiety. I anticipate it–“I have to weigh myself this Thursday.” UGH. It’s only Monday but I see that day coming quickly and I start to dread it. I feel like a whiny kid that doesn’t want to do their chores. I just don’t WANNA! But I have to. It’s my check-in.

Depending on what that number is, it can still ruin whatever good body image feelings I’ve been having. I cannot tell you how many times I’m thinking “I feel really good about my body today!” And then I see the number on the scale and that feeling is gone. Replaced with disappointment, sometimes sadness, sometimes self-loathing…but only if I don’t catch myself quickly enough to stop the negative spiral of thoughts. Poor Michael. He has to deal with me throwing a mini temper tantrum in the bathroom if I don’t like that number. He says the same thing every time I don’t like that number: “You’re fine. You haven’t gained weight. It’s water/it’s muscle” etc etc. I appreciate that he says that, but honestly I hate that he feels like he has to and half the time I don’t hear him anyway. I’m stuck in my own thoughts.

For the most part this isn’t an issue. It’s not an every month kind of thing. Just lately. I was doing really well for a long time and when I stopped basically all the cardio I was doing in March of this year (knees again), I started to see my weight go up a little bit. It wasn’t hitting the danger zone yet, but it wasn’t making me happy.

Yet I was seeing such awesome results in the gym! My shoulders were sculpted. My biceps were bigger, my triceps were more toned and slender. I felt like my core strength had increased and I was almost up to a minute doing a plank (honestly, I get bored after awhile and quit instead of keeping the pose to see how far I can go). I saw a picture of myself recently in my cycling jersey and thought, “Wow, my waist looks really slender and my stomach is smaller.” AND my pants are still fitting. I haven’t felt like I’ve grown out of the sizes I’ve worn for 5 years.

Why, then, do I let myself get so bent out of shape about that stupid number that I see once a month? Sadly, this is probably something I will always struggle with. But I’m working on focusing on the positives (my clothes fit, I like how I feel, etc) and not focusing on the negatives.

Can you focus on how you feel and not how you look (or how much you weigh)?