Sisyphus

This is how I’ve felt:

But after four years, I might have some answers.

If you’ve been reading for awhile now, you know my history. If not, the CliffsNotes: Lost 110 pounds in my mid-to late-20’s. Kept the weight off for 10+ years. Got pregnant, gained around 30 pounds. Then for 4 years, struggled endlessly to lose the “baby weight.”

Nothing worked. I did Keto and lost 10-15 pounds but it was not sustainable, not healthy for ME, caused some disordered eating thoughts, and honestly, the weight loss stalled. Then I proceeded to gain and lose the same 10 pounds. I tried a lot of different things in that 4 years. I tried what I did “last time” and that didn’t work. I reduced my calories even further (not healthy) and it didn’t work.

I kept talking to my doctors, said I didn’t feel well, I had a lot of things that were just “off” since having a baby. They tested my thyroid too many times to count. Results were always “normal,” even though a ton of my symptoms (not just weight gain) pointed to thyroid conditions.

I recently got referred to another doctor. She is an internal medicine doctor, but has a specialty in weight/diet etc (not a nutritionist/RD). She said that I might be experiencing “insulin resistance” due to the antidepressant/antianxiety medications I take.

She said it’s very common for SSRIs and various mental health medications to cause this. I had NO idea! All those years that I took various meds and saw a ton of weight gain, all those years when I tried to lose weight on medication and it never worked until I stopped medications…and now I might have an answer?? I almost started crying because it felt like a relief. For years of struggling, feeling like no one was listening to me/dismissing my concerns, I felt heard. I had a possible answer.

I tried to find some good articles to link to about this topic, but there isn’t a ton and what’s out there are medical journal articles, so long, lots of science, hard to read for the layperson… LOL But I did find a succinct paragraph from one of the medical articles and here it is:

“In conclusion, we have demonstrated that SSRIs are potential inducers of insulin resistance, acting by directly inhibiting the insulin signaling cascade in β cells. [redacted] Given that SSRIs promote obesity and insulin resistance but inhibit insulin secretion, they might accelerate the transition from an insulin resistant state to overt diabetes.” [source]

My doctor said I’m not diabetic, but it’s a common issue for your hormones and body to just not work the way it should on these medications. She prescribed me a low dose of Metformin.

I started listening to the Food Psych podcast (and wrote about it here) and started to re-evaluate my thoughts and ideas about food, dieting, weight loss, weight gain, body image, fat-phobia, the whole gambit. It has really changed how I feel about weight loss in a lot of ways.

One thing I’ve been thinking about is how naïve I was in my 20’s and early 30’s when I started this blog. I started it to share my story, inspire people, show that you can lose weight and keep it off without extremes or surgery or weight loss drugs. I was successful. It worked for me. But what I didn’t realize then, that I do now, is that it doesn’t always work that way for everyone. People have medical issues, medical conditions, take meds that cause weight gain or make it hard/impossible to lose. People don’t always have access to healthy food (privilege), people don’t always have access to expensive gyms/personal trainers etc. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

I do not have a real update on the metformin. I have not weighed myself since like October or early November. It was not a healthy cycle for me so I decided to take a break. And the longer it went, the better I felt. I started re-reading “Intuitive Eating” and finding that it resonates with me more now that it did 10 years ago.

So how is the metformin? It’s fine. Zero side effects except for the first few days I started it. Like I said, I haven’t weighed myself so I don’t know numbers. BUT various clothes that used to be a little too tight fit now. I am going to try and use that as a guide instead of the scale. Also? I feel better. I was SO EXHAUSTED for years. And I am finding that metformin has given me more energy, I do not feel run down or exhausted all the time. Now I just have regular pandemic/world ending/stress exhaustion. 😉

Anyone else have experiences on this medication? Would love to hear other stories.

Diet Culture

I’ve been thinking a lot about diets, weight loss, body image, body acceptance and diet culture lately.

I have to admit, I have not been very happy in my skin for a long time now. Pregnancy and post-partum bodies can do a number on your mental health. Struggling to lose the weight after I lost so much weight before, getting close to pre-pregnancy weight and then having that reverse due to medications was a mindfuck.

I tried keto, like many readers know. I lost 10+ pounds, was feeling really good, feeling motivated, then it stopped working. And the next year and a half of keto, low-carb, and some kind of diet cycle like that made me gain and lose the same 10 pounds with no real success.

What did it do? Instead, it made me feel sad, depressed, deprived, frustrated. I felt like I was at CONSTANT WAR with my body, with my weight, with FOOD. Food was the ENEMY.

I didn’t like how I was mentally feeling. Looking at healthy foods like sweet potatoes, carrots, grapes, watermelon and thinking “I CAN’T EAT THAT — it’s BAD FOOD”. Bad food?! What? Since when is fruit and vegetables bad? It really is a hard shift in the brain.

While I do still think high numbers of carbs are not healthy and not what MY body likes…that does not mean I need to be severely restricting my carb intake to 20 carbs a day. That’s extreme. And is it healthy? I just don’t know. I do know that your body needs some carbs for your brain–for serotonin levels. Your body needs carbs for fuel and energy. Carbs feed your kidneys, brain, muscles, and central nervous system. Does that mean eat a donut? Not really. But maybe IT’S OK TO EAT A SWEET POTATO.

What is Diet Culture?

I unfollowed a lot of the “old” bloggers who are perpetuating this lifestyle. You know the ones, I don’t need to say. But they encourage severe restriction, macro counting, cleanses, living on smoothies instead of eating real food.

I unfollowed a bunch of Keto Instagrams I’ve followed for a long time now. They were becoming redundant and I was honestly sick of the constant before and after photos: the morbidly obese picture next to the gauntly skinny picture with a “I lost 200 pounds in a year on keto!” It was not a healthy space for me.

I felt like I was punishing my body, not seeing results, and living in a cycle of unhealthy behavior. Was it an eating disorder? I don’t know. But it wasn’t good. I decided to change it. No more keto. No more “Bad Foods.” I eat carbs in moderation. I eat everything in moderation. Am I still counting calories? Yes. (Some anti-diet culture stuff says not to do that.) Am I still exercising 5 days a week? Yes. It’s not as punishment for eating “bad” foods but because I feel better when I exercise in some way.

I’ve contributed to diet culture. With this blog. With my story. I don’t necessary think that’s bad, but I did contribute. My story was inspiring to a lot of people and I’m glad. I was not healthy at 255 pounds. But that does not mean I need to KEEP DIETING and keep getting skinnier…the whole “I’ll stop when I get to XXX weight” is not a good cycle to be in. Because, XXX weight, is never good enough.

How to Change Diet Culture

Limit Your Social Media Exposure: Do you follow a lot of diet accounts? Whether it’s keto, weight watchers, intermittent fasting, etc. If the entire focus is on weight loss, being SMALLER, severely restricting calories….is it mentally healthy for you? How do you feel seeing those images all the time? Are they triggering? Unfollow.

Think About What Really Matters. Is it sharing that ice cream cone on a hot summer day with your kids? Creating happy memories and traditions? Or do you deny yourself the ice cream because it’s “Bad” and feel miserable, or deny your kids the experience because you are triggered by sugar, or trying to keep your kids from having sugar? (Sure, sugar is not great, but once in awhile, a treat is ok! And I am very serious when I say I do not want to raise my child to have food issues/body image issues like I had my whole life.)

Don’t Try Fad Diets. I still advocate eating in moderation and exercising and weight loss is part of that. But maybe the fad diets, the severity, the demonizing of food is not.

Hide Your Scale. Some websites recommend throwing it out. I am not throwing out my scale. But I am going to limit the usage to once a month. A check in. But I am not going to obsessively weigh myself.

Follow Body Positive People/Social Media. I found a bunch the last few months that have really helped me mentally.

Freeing

Mentally, I feel better. Right now I am 20 pounds over the weight I want to be. I am a size 12, instead of the 10 I was for a decade (pre pregnancy of course). I catch my reflection in a window or mirror and I still feel deflated and wish I was 20 pounds lighter. But, overall I am coming to peace with all of it.

We have family pizza night now, once or twice a month. We get pizza from a local restaurant that has been hit hard by the pandemic and we want to support them. And it’s fun to have a family pizza night. Logan loves it! We are going to get sushi this weekend and see if Logan will try it. 😉

I made zucchini bread last week. I used 1/2 the sugar the recipe called for because I still feel like sugar is not a good thing…but the bread turned out great and it was a nice, healthy dessert. And I didn’t feel guilty eating it.

So that is where I am at these days.