confessions

Diagnosis: 35 Years Old

I might have mentioned this previously on the blog, but I can’t remember. Hell, I am getting old. So…

This year I’ve had several issues and injuries. Re-occurring foot pain that was a mystery, a back injury, a cold that lasted 3 weeks and just wouldn’t heal, weight loss that was non-existent. It was all very frustrating and annoying.

What was also frustrating was the attitude I was getting from healthcare professionals. My regular doctor, the RD I spoke to, the physical therapist I saw…whenever I talked to them about whatever issue was going on and I wasn’t seeing results/progress, they dismissed me with a simple statement:

“Well, you are 35.”

Michael even told me that his back issues started when he was 35 (his exact words “welcome to 35”).

Apparently somewhere between being 34 and becoming 35 in January, I crossed over into some weird land where whatever ails you is the result of being this age. I had no idea that simply being 35 years old could be the diagnosis for whatever is wrong with your body.

Your metabolism is slower and you aren’t losing weight. You’re 35.

Your body isn’t healing from a mysterious injury as fast as usual. You’re 35. 

Now, I get it. When you do age things change, your body slows down, you’re not quite the same as you were when you were 25 years old. I get it. But really? There’s that much of a change between 34 and 35?? I never “felt my age” physically before now.

When I was on vacation with my cousin Anna, I warned her. Whenever she complained about something I said “Just wait, you’re going to be 35 in a few months. It’s over.” It became the running joke. Slightly hung over? You’re almost 35. Your hip hurts? It’s because you’re 35. Just give up now, man.

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In all seriousness, when this started happening to me a few months ago I began to feel an deep-seated anger in my belly starting to rise and build. I wanted to shout to these doctors, “REALLY?! THAT IS NOT A DIAGNOSIS. Do your job for reals.” It was lazy medicine. It was “I don’t have time for you and your problem”. It was dismissive and it made me angry. I’m sorry but no, that is not the end-all-be-all to every problem. Maybe if I was 80 years old, but not today, not now. I am determined to fix myself. I will not let what ails me just get worse because some stupid doctors don’t want to bother.

Another thing I noticed recently was the phenomenon of becoming invisible.

Is this also attributed to becoming 35 years old?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been walking down the street or something and someone bangs into me because apparently I’m in my invisible cloak. The other day at the gym I was lying on a mat down my PT exercises and a dude STEPPED OVER ME. Like I wasn’t even there. What the hell? Maybe I really AM invisible. And no one told me. Because they can’t see me.

Can you see me?? IS THIS THING ON? tap tap tap

Anyhoo. Apparently I’m having a midlife crisis.

Well, I am 35. So right on schedule, right?

 

Goals This Week

Back in February I posted T is for Truth where I admitted I have been struggling this winter. There were a lot of reasons (excuses) for the weight gain–I’ve been more sick this winter than any other (getting a cold/sinus infection three times!), I took a month off from weight lifting due to an injury, the typical holiday eating packed on some pounds, there was some stressful bullshit going on (those issues have since been resolved) and that led to some stress eating. I also changed my birth control–which cleared up my acne but caused some very unfortunately weight gain.

I was up to 149. 1 pound from goal weight. That buffer area is important to me. I like having some wiggle room between my current weight and my goal weight–it allows me to indulge once in awhile and not see the scales tip. I usually fluctuate between 144-146. That 149 was scary. I decided I needed to get my act together.

I wasn’t feeling good about myself and that was making me not feel good about everything else in my life. It sounds whiny, I know, but feeling uncomfortable in my skin colors how I see the rest of the world/go through my day. I wish I was stronger and didn’t let the self-esteem issues effect me in such a way. But when none of your clothes fit, it’s hard NOT to look in the mirror and feel disdain. Then Lori at Finding Radiance confessed that her self-esteem had taken a beating lately. It was nice to read that another maintainer was feeling similarly and it was comforting in a way.

I cleaned up my diet in a number of ways. I reduced or eliminated the liquid calories I was consuming. Having one glass of wine on a Friday and Saturday night is sufficient. Drinking during the week isn’t necessary and just packs on the pounds. I also took a look at my sugar habit. It was a little out of control this winter! I finally finished that tub of Nutella (it only took me 4 months) so that temptation is out of the house! I’ve stopped buying ice cream and other desserts. I do have dessert but I’m trying to make better choices and not eat it every night.

Last week I weighed myself for the monthly check-in. I was anxious. I’d been doing well with my food for weeks but my pants were STILL TOO TIGHT. Like skintight. I didn’t have high hopes. I was happily surprised! I’d lost a few pounds; weighing in at 147. I’ll take it. Progress is progress, even if it’s just a little bit.

I’m confused and frustrated that my pants don’t fit. I’m only 3-4 pounds higher than I was this time last year when my pants all fit. I find it hard to believe that 4 pounds could really make such a difference that my pants won’t button now. What is up with that??

set and reach goal concept

For awhile I will try to post once a week discussing my progress and making goals. I think I’ve gotten out of my funk and I’m ready to get serious.

This Week’s Goals

ACCURATELY track my calories each day–this means all the bites, nibbles, sips, snacks. It also means not lying to myself when I KNOW I ate more than one serving of something…

Drink at least 3 water bottles of water at work in addition to the water I drink at home and at the gym.

Strive to leave 200 calories left for each day in my “bank.” On days I work out I do eat more calories and I often justify the extra treats. Many days I have less than 100 calories leftover for the day. That’s not creating any kind of deficit. I think 200 calories is a good number to be left for the day.

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I will check in next week!