Jan 022017
 

I loved this article so much. If you have the time, give it a read: How to Feel Better About Not Being as Good as You “Should” Be. It definitely speaks to where I am at currently.

Life is a lot different these days. In some ways it’s the same as it was pre-baby. Work, chores, life, gym, friends and family. It’s similar in routine, we just have a little life with us now. 🙂

But I’m different. My priorities have shifted. My body is different, obviously. And it’s hard to come to terms with that. I was making some progress with weight loss this summer. I lost about 4-ish pounds and was feeling re-energized and motivated.

Then that plateaued. I stalled out. Then I ran into some issues. Sure I could make excuses but the facts are: I was stressed out about Logan starting daycare and did some stress eating. I regained a few of those pounds I’d lost and that was very discouraging. The other fact: I had a major decrease in my milk supply when I tried to reduce my calories.

I wrote a post a few months ago about wanting to get back into fitness and that I wanted to lose some weight but that I obviously Logan was the priority and if I saw a cause and effect in my dieting and milk supply I would back off.

So I did.

I kept working out 4-5 times a week and I was still counting my calories. My priority was feeding Logan. I was disappointed I had to take a break from trying to lose weight but I reminded myself what my priority was at that moment. I came to terms with the fact that my weight loss goals would probably have to wait until I was done breastfeeding.

I started to write this post several months ago. Then we started getting sick. All.The.Time. Seriously–too many colds to count, bronchitis TWICE, sinus infection TWICE, freakin’ pink eye…! It felt like we’d never be well again. Everyone in our house was sick. I’d get back on track with the gym and get in one or two workouts and then I’d get sick AGAIN and take a week off from the gym.

For the last month I’ve been feeling pretty depressed. A big part of that is the constant illnesses. You just don’t feel good about yourself or life when you are sick. And exercise has always been a positive way that I relieve stress and improve my mood. Not being able to do that consistently has effected my moods more than anything, I think.

Waiting to lose weight has been a hard thing to reconcile in my mind, though. Especially since my “identity” has kind of been “the girl who lost 110 pounds” for so long.

Well, recently I’ve come to the realization that I think breastfeeding is coming to an end soon. My supply has dwindled to less than half of what it was. Logan is less interested in breastfeeding and I reached my goal of breastfeeding for 9 months. So starting in January I think I’m going to start slowly weaning and then focusing on my health and losing weight.

I won’t lie — I’m having a hard time with all of this. I’m struggling with the idea of quitting breastfeeding, even if it’s time. I’m feeling very emotional about all of that.

I’m also struggling with going back to being restrictive with my diet in order to lose weight. I thought those days were long over–and that I could easily lose weight doing what I’ve done for 10 years. But the reality is, I’m going to have to buckle down and cut my calories, say no to that second glass of wine, cut out sweets and stop eating old trigger foods (like pizza) in order to lose.

I’ve preached “eating in moderation” and not starving yourself for years and I plan on following my own advice. But I also need to stop making excuses for eating one more cookie or snacking on crap and not logging it. I need to be accountable to myself and honest. 

The day after Christmas, depressed about the photos of myself from the holiday (I mean really, should that have been my focus?? Or should I have been focusing on my baby’s first Christmas?) I stepped on the scale expecting the worst. It wasn’t too bad. I’d gained 3 pounds since the end of October. Basically–all the weight I managed to lose over the summer was back. I still have 20 pounds to lose.

So soon. Soon my body will be mine again and I can get serious about this 20 pounds.

Jun 172015
 

I might have mentioned this previously on the blog, but I can’t remember. Hell, I am getting old. So…

This year I’ve had several issues and injuries. Re-occurring foot pain that was a mystery, a back injury, a cold that lasted 3 weeks and just wouldn’t heal, weight loss that was non-existent. It was all very frustrating and annoying.

What was also frustrating was the attitude I was getting from healthcare professionals. My regular doctor, the RD I spoke to, the physical therapist I saw…whenever I talked to them about whatever issue was going on and I wasn’t seeing results/progress, they dismissed me with a simple statement:

“Well, you are 35.”

Michael even told me that his back issues started when he was 35 (his exact words “welcome to 35”).

Apparently somewhere between being 34 and becoming 35 in January, I crossed over into some weird land where whatever ails you is the result of being this age. I had no idea that simply being 35 years old could be the diagnosis for whatever is wrong with your body.

Your metabolism is slower and you aren’t losing weight. You’re 35.

Your body isn’t healing from a mysterious injury as fast as usual. You’re 35. 

Now, I get it. When you do age things change, your body slows down, you’re not quite the same as you were when you were 25 years old. I get it. But really? There’s that much of a change between 34 and 35?? I never “felt my age” physically before now.

When I was on vacation with my cousin Anna, I warned her. Whenever she complained about something I said “Just wait, you’re going to be 35 in a few months. It’s over.” It became the running joke. Slightly hung over? You’re almost 35. Your hip hurts? It’s because you’re 35. Just give up now, man.

az
In all seriousness, when this started happening to me a few months ago I began to feel an deep-seated anger in my belly starting to rise and build. I wanted to shout to these doctors, “REALLY?! THAT IS NOT A DIAGNOSIS. Do your job for reals.” It was lazy medicine. It was “I don’t have time for you and your problem”. It was dismissive and it made me angry. I’m sorry but no, that is not the end-all-be-all to every problem. Maybe if I was 80 years old, but not today, not now. I am determined to fix myself. I will not let what ails me just get worse because some stupid doctors don’t want to bother.

Another thing I noticed recently was the phenomenon of becoming invisible.

Is this also attributed to becoming 35 years old?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been walking down the street or something and someone bangs into me because apparently I’m in my invisible cloak. The other day at the gym I was lying on a mat down my PT exercises and a dude STEPPED OVER ME. Like I wasn’t even there. What the hell? Maybe I really AM invisible. And no one told me. Because they can’t see me.

Can you see me?? IS THIS THING ON? tap tap tap

Anyhoo. Apparently I’m having a midlife crisis.

Well, I am 35. So right on schedule, right?