“The roles that dominant our lives are the ones we’re unaware of. The needs that drive us most relentlessly are the ones we’re least conscious of. To be happy and free, we must see the roles we play for what they are, and bring our hidden needs into the light of day. The first stumbling block in our search will be the assumption that we already know ourselves, that we understand our motives, that we know why we feel the way we do about our circumstances and the people around us. In order to make progress, we will need to be more opened-minded. To find the truth about myself, I must stop insisting that I already know it. I’ll never remove the boulder from my path if I fail to see it for what it is.
“You know what that boulder is? That boulder is your image of yourself, who you think you are. The person you think you are is keeping the person you really are locked up without food or light or friends. The person you think you are has been trying to murder the person you really are for as long as you both have lived.”
What Is Your Boulder?
The image I had of myself for most of my life was The Fat Girl. I was always chubby. I wasn’t obese until my mid-twenties when I literally exploded. But I always struggled with my weight. I wasn’t a “dieter.” I never really tried to lose the weight. Instead, I just surrendered to the fact that I Was The Fat Girl. And always would be that girl.
They say that we should visualize ourselves thinner, healthier, etc. Visualize what you want to look like and use that as motivation for weight loss. I’ve read it over and over again. The problem with that was that I had never been skinnier. I had never been that healthy, athletic person so I had NO idea what that looked like. I assumed it wasn’t achievable.
I would always be fat. I would never lose the weight.
I told myself that over and over again. I made excuses for my weight. It was my metabolism. It was genetic. “I’m just not meant to be skinny.” I had lots of excuses but in reality it was just the Fat Me telling the Real Me that I couldn’t succeed.
So I never tried. I let that boulder stop me. I gave up. I ate more. I moved less. I gained. I’m glad that something eventually told me that I should at least try. Make an effort. See if it IS in fact possible. And it was possible! My body started to lose weight pretty quickly. All I needed to do was make changes.
It’s funny how my mind changed with my weight loss. It really did feel like I was becoming a different person, or I was discovering who I really was. Either way, it was a transformation in both mind and body. I’m glad I didn’t let my one self tell the real self not to try. Sadly it took me far too long to wake up and make some changes but better late than never.
There are things I still talk myself out of. I talk myself out of a lot of changes in my life. Sadly situations often have to get pretty bad for me before I decide it’s finally time to make changes. Seeing this quote reminded me that I need to reevaluate my life on a regular basis–examine what boulders are currently in my path. It’s often too easy to become stagnant.
QUESTION: What is your boulder?