T is for Truth

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Aint’t that the truth?

How many of us have binged on our favorite food and immediately after thought, Next time I’ll do better. Or, Why did I eat that? Or, That’s it, I’m DONE eating badly! The diet starts NOW! And then it never really starts, right?

What TRUTH are you avoiding? And how is it sabotaging your weight loss efforts?

I have a new therapist. I’ve written about depression and anxiety many times before. I had a therapist that I loved. She was awesome. She went out on maternity leave in August and I saw another therapist who specializes in anxiety a few times and while she gave me some things to work on that sort of helped, I didn’t feel like I clicked with her. Back in December when things were really overwhelming and the shit was hitting the fan in all aspects of my life (i.e. feeling like everything was going wrong) I decided that I’d see another therapist. I went in very apathetic after not really clicking with a few of the ones available to me over the years, and feeling rather grumpy about the one I loved quitting. But I think I hit the jackpot with my new counselor.

First off, she’s awesome and I really feel like I can talk to her. She’s also that perfect blend of the type of therapist that listens to me vent, but pushes me to psychoanalyze the why and how to change. Second–and the best part–is that she also lost over 100 pounds and has kept it off. I don’t know details other than that but having a counselor that knows exactly what it feels like to lose a ton of weight was like angels singing “allelujah” with a choir. It may seem odd, but I’ve never really been able to find someone to talk to who KNOWS. There aren’t any books out there on what the psychological changes will be when you lose a lot of weight. Biggest Loser, etc, type shows and weight loss memoirs don’t cover HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL after losing half of yourself. Not only that, there aren’t a lot of maintenance blogs out there. I can name a handful that I read religiously and thankfully they talk about the good and the bad of maintaining weight loss but that’s about it.

I’ve been in maintenance mode for almost 6 years now. In fact, 1 month before my wedding this year will be my 6  year anniversary of reaching goal weight. While I am happy that I’m still UNDER my goal weight (150), I am definitely higher than I want to be. I’ve gained a few pounds. I can blame winter, the holidays, stress, but really the reason for the weight gain has been LIES.

I’ve lied to myself about what I am eating and why. I’ve snuck food in the last few months. Like stuffing things in my mouth, barely tasting them, and then not recording them in my calorie log for the day. As if those calories didn’t count. They certainly counted and the stomach roll I’m now unhappily sporting is showing the truth. So is the scale.

I told my new therapist that I feel like I’m barely holding on lately. I’m sabotaging myself and I don’t know why.

When I first decided to lose weight, there were a lot of factors that finally convinced me. What really helped was having a deadline. I had 10 months to lose weight before I was going to be in my brother’s wedding and I wanted to walk down that aisle 50 pounds less. And I succeeded. Reaching that goal was far more important to me than bingeing on ice cream was.

So why am I struggling SO MUCH now that it’s my turn?

WED1

I have roughly 6 1/2 months before my wedding. If I wanted to be exact, it’s 30 weeks, 3 days and 22 hours (I only know that because of the countdown plugin on our wedding website LOL). I have 6 months to lose the 7 pounds I want to lose and yet I am struggling to find the motivation. Why? Why is this so hard for me?

WED3

My therapist asked me why I was lying to myself. I said that I didn’t want to face the truth and I’d rather pretend the calories I ate didn’t exist. Why? I don’t know why but somewhere deep inside me I need to find the truth and come clean to myself before I completely fall off the wagon.

She also said that psychologists are saying that planned indulging is healthy, but that with my binge eating history, I could never safely indulge/plan a “binge” (so to speak) with food. I agreed. The closest I get to that is my policy of eating whatever I want in moderation instead of naming certain foods as off limits. This has worked for a long time, and it DOES work, when you do it honestly and accurately. So instead of safely indulging on food, I binge on other things. I get lost in books and binge read them. I do it with TV too. I binge watch tv on weekends as a method of escapism. Still bingeing. Just in different ways.

WED2

Supposedly the truth will set you free. 

I need to be TRUTHFUL about the calories I am REALLY eating.

I need to be TRUTHFUL to myself WHY I am eating the things I am eating. Should I be feeling my emotions instead of stuffing them down inside myself?

The truth is I need to stop eating candy mindlessly at work.

The truth is I need to stop eating dessert every single night at home.

The truth is I need to manage my portions better.

The truth is I need to stop drinking alcohol for awhile. The liquid calories aren’t doing me any favors.

The truth is…I need to learn to love my body as it is, without criticism, without hate. Without the negative voice pointing out all my flaws, flab and stretchmarks. And I don’t know how to yet.

 

A-Abstinence * B-Balance * C-Calories * D-Vitamin D * E-Emergency * F-Fast Food and Fine Dining * G-Gym Bag * H-Happy Weight * I-Intervals * J-Jumping * K-Keeping Sane * L-Losing Weight * M-Measuring Mistakes *N-Nemesis * O-Open * P-Plateaus Q -Quitting * R-Runner’s Knee * S-Support *

34 Responses

  1. I found your blog awhile back when I started my lifestyle change, I have lost 50 lbs, in year, but I have stalled out, reading your truths have given me some insight for me..

  2. Wow. This really resonated with me. A lot. I do the same thing. Mostly when I’m upset (like right now), but even when I’m not, I binge read/and watch tv (I’ve nearly finished all 8 seasons of 24 in less than 3 weeks). I suppose it’s healthier than eating 6 cookies, but you’re right- the question is why.
    Cindy recently posted..My dad

  3. Lisa – hugs if you don’t love yourself as you are (whether or not you want to lose weight).

    I get the bingeing thing. I think substituting bingeing works for a bit, but it is the behavior of bingeing that you need to understand. Like the person who quits cigarettes and substitutes food instead or someone who quits alcohol but goes on a religious binge (if you understand what I mean here). There is a reason for the behavior and some people just have addictive personalities. I have that as well.
    Lori recently posted..Fit Female Eating

    1. I have an addictive and obsessive personality. I am working on that in therapy. It’s hard when it’s part of who you are. And I totally get what you mean about food, religion, etc becoming the binge when trying to get over another one.

  4. Excellent post! I feel like we all have these truths we aren’t willing to acknowledge. I gained about 10lbs back after leaving my previous job. I was running around crazy at work, but once work was gone I wasn’t active enough. I still haven’t lost those 10lbs, but I am improving my strength. If you ever want an accountability buddy, I’m only a text away!
    Courtney recently posted..Wendler 5/3/1 Cycle 2 Wrap-Up

    1. Much appreciated. I’m taking steps to get things in order. I’ve already started doing small things I need to do and I am currently signing up for a 5k to train for. I think having a goal like that will help. But I’m always willing to get together and do something!

  5. I hear you! I got tired of tracking my food and always sticking to certain food rules and as a result, have slowly crept up 20 pounds in the past year…and I’m tired of it too. I too want to just love myself as I am, and not beat myself up over so many things. Sigh. My truth is that I don’t need to have alcohol as often, or eat so many snacks, and that I really do feel better when I’m healthier.
    Hannahviolin recently posted..Snow Dome and whole 30 challenge

  6. Thank you for writing what I’ve been thinking about today. I often feel that I’ll eat something & then blame it on having no willpower. I wish it was that easy. I have hit my goal weight yesterday (on my birthday no less!) & then proceeded to eat 300 calories of cookies today.
    I think it’s time to start doing some hard thinking about my true motivation & goals.

    1. It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one thinking it. I understand your slip up. Sometimes it’s like we can’t enjoy our success or progress and sabotage ourselves. I did the same when I reached goal. It was a rebellion I guess…

  7. Super glad you are doing the work now, early on. The take aways from my therapy 10 years ago make every day easier today.

    Working on your self now will impact your relationship and your family (adding a baby to the mix is hugely stressful). Laying the foundation now will change you and your family dynamics (for the better) now and forever!!

    High five for working on it and working through it. 🙂 Keep up the great work, Lisa.
    Karen P recently posted..Unsunk- My own story as told to Miss Skinny Genes and Ito- Finding our Hunger Podcast 44

  8. It’s so weird because I find myself doing the same thing – “mindless eating” is what I call it. I am not hungry, but all of a sudden I’ll walk by a desk at work that I know has M&Ms in it and I’ll toss a small handful in my mouth. Gah!

    I love your honesty Lisa! I hope you continue to like this new counselor too!! Hugs 😀
    Biz recently posted..Cranberry Banana Chobani Muffins

  9. Lisa, this hit home for me too. Lately I’ve had a hard time keeping myself accountable, and have caught myself sneaking food a few times (as in 2am sitting on the floor in front of the fridge), as well as just mindlessly eating here and there. I know what I need to do to be losing, I know how to do it, and I know I will see results. But it seems like after I lost about 65 pounds, I lost it. I’ve been struggling to stay on track this month, and while I’ve lost 4.9 pounds so far in February, I feel I could do better and that sometimes I am sabotaging myself. Hang in there. I think knowing what you’re doing is the first step to understanding why you’re doing it.
    Deb recently posted..Sunday Day 848 I’m Still Here!

  10. I think we share a brain.

    I’ve got 57 days until my wedding and around 3-4 pounds to lose. I keep eating junk and blowing off my walks even though I know I won’t be 100% happy unless I’m at a certain weight. A disordered eating habit is so hard to get out of, but a disordered thinking habit is even harder to quit!

    1. Oh Jess, I’m sorry! It sounds to me like STRESS. Can you find time for yourself that doesn’t involve wedding plans so that you can relax? Maybe do something to pamper yourself?

  11. I feel the exact same way right now. I think I have a pretty big idea of why I am eating crappy food, now I just need to work on fixing it which is currently my project. I too struggle with crazy anxiety and have found calming yoga does wonders for me (I know you currently go as well). I hope you are able to discover what is going on soon! I know it is very frustrating!!
    K @ Finding a Skinnier me recently posted..Monday Memoirs

    1. That’s great you found something that helps. Yoga is wonderful for that. I am so much more relaxed and less stressed after a yoga class but dang is it hard to motivate myself to go to one. I make myself go once a week and that’s about all I can do right now.

  12. Lisa, you are truly an inspiration. Your honesty and vulnerability makes you completely relatable! And know what? You are going to be a BEAUTIFUL BRIDE no matter what the number on the scale says that morning!!!! Hang in there!!!!!
    Roz@weightingfor50 recently posted..Snowy Sunday

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