I’m currently in a weird cycle of disordered thinking about my weight. I wasn’t going to talk about it on the blog, I was going to try and get over it by myself and maybe mention it later. But I decided to just get it out there.
When I got to 143 I was really happy to be back at my lowest weight ever and all I wanted was to get to 140. I told myself it was okay if I didn’t get there. And I believed it too. Until this week…My jeans have been tight the last two weeks. Like uncomfortably tight–not “oops I dried my jeans too long in the dryer” tight.
Michael and I had a great talk last night. I’d gone to the gym after work and had a great workout. I did over 3 miles of intervals on the treadmill: alternating every few minutes from 4.4 on the treadmill to 5.8, spiking and reducing my heart rate. It was a nice way to change up my routine!
I did 3.28 miles on the treadmill and then did 30 minutes of weight lifting. It had been about a week since I’d lifted weights in the gym so it was hard work (and I’m sore today). I also did some squats.
Calories Burned: 646
I was feeling positive and happy. I caught my reflection in the gym mirror a few times and I thought “I look pretty good.” And “I look more slender and muscular than I did a few weeks ago.” When I got home Michael begged me to agree to going to Mexican food. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be “good.” I didn’t want the temptations. I kept thinking about wanting to reach 140.
I finally gave in and cleaned up to go out. I did something just STUPID. I did it for the WRONG reasons too. I got on the scale. It’s a week and a half too early to weigh-in. It’s also the worst week of the month to weigh-in. Plus it was at night, after a day of eating and drinking and working out. Why did I do it? To discourage myself from ordering something gluttonous at the Mexican Restaurant. Disordered Thinking!
I was aware while I was doing it that it was wrong. I did it anyway. I was very unhappy with the number I saw (up 2 pounds from last weigh-in) and proceeded to get depressed and despondent. I am really unhappy I did that to myself.
It’s a dangerous slope to get started on and I’m trying to correct it now before I get obsessed. I’ve been obsessed with the scale before, and that’s when I made the rule of monthly weigh-ins ONLY. I broke that rule last night and I won’t do it again.
In the car I told Michael that I was feeling crappy with my food choices lately. He asked me what I ate that day that was making me feel crappy. I realized how disordered my thinking was when I listed it out:
Breakfast – 2 scrambled eggs with sour cream and salsa, 1 slice of bacon, unsweetened ice tea, coffee. (300 calories)
Snack – serving of trail mix (140 calories) and a handful of cashews (about 80 calories more)
Lunch – Beef Barley Soup (160 calories) with Butterfinger Easter Eggs (126 calories)
Pre-Gym Snack – Bagel thin with cream cheese (about 190 calories)
He asked me where I ate crappy. I said the chocolate. “You ate one serving of chocolate, for less than 200 calories, with a low-calorie lunch. Why would you feel guilty about that?”
I don’t know! Why WOULD I feel guilty about that? I couldn’t come up with a logical answer. I KNEW logically that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the food I ate throughout the day. I also had two pieces of hard candies that I didn’t count, but in the grand scheme of things, why was I beating myself up for what I consumed?
Michael made a good point. He said that I need to decide WHAT numbers are important to me. Is the number 140 important to me? Not really. Am I under my original goal weight (150)? YES. Am I happy I can run 3.28 miles of speed intervals? Hell YEAH! Can I lift more and more weights each week? YES. So why am I focusing on a number on the scale?
I MUST focus on the positive numbers in my life, not the scale–not the negative numbers.
I ordered smart at the restaurant: the Yucatan Steak Salad. It was grilled steak bites nestled on top of tons of lettuce and shredded cabbage with black beans, a little bit of cheese and green onions. It was delicious!
Faced with lots of temptations on that menu I made the right choice. I reminded myself that I could eat the food I had for dinner and still be within my calories for the day (which I was). And I reminded myself that I work out in order to eat the things I love–like chocolate.
Sometimes I need a reminder. I have some work to do.
QUESTION: How do you break disordered thinking when it comes to the scale?